Welcome to the Shit Towns of Australia: Australia Day Special, our first newsletter of the year. We’re back for more in ‘24, and it’s bound to be yet another shitty annus. There will be shit town write-ups, shit town power rankings, shit town polls and more — so strap in and enjoy the mudslide ride.
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Shit Event: Australia Day
If Bathurst is Bogan Christmas then Australia Day is Redneck Mardi Gras, the perfect excuse for hordes of gronks to imbibe enough alcohol to paralyse an elephant, discard their shirts, and drape themselves in their best Chinese-made Aussie flags to match the Southern Cross tattoos that they got in Bali. It’s the one day of the year when the whole country becomes Cronulla.
Australia is the only country that celebrates the day it was invaded, which is a bit like America hosting a Pearl Harbour Day pool party or France hosting any number of events for any number of invasions. Apparently, the most appropriate way to commemorate nicking an entire continent off its rightful owners is by ingesting copious amounts of badly barbecued meat and cheap piss before chundering it up again all over the stolen ground.
While particularly beloved by bogans, Australia Day is truly a day for all Australians — bogans get to be a bit racist, and wowsers with arts degrees get something to whinge about on Twitter before showing off their ‘wokeness’ by performing a Welcome to Country at their vegan barbecue in order to root a white girl with dreadlocks and hairy legs. Everybody wins!
If you’re in a major city, round out the day by watching a spectacular display of fireworks that will terrorise the native wildlife and quite possibly start a catastrophic bushfire. Aussie Aussie Aussie!
From our book Sh*t Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings — Extended Summer Edition
Darwin, NT — Grub allegedly assaults and carjacks elderly woman during crime spree; horndog accidentally exposes uncontrollable boner to teen employee in Hungry Jack’s drive-thru after experimenting with dick pills at orgy
Mornington, VIC — 14-year-old fuckwit charged after allegedly pushing elderly man off pier
Melbourne, VIC — Bodybuilder jailed for running meth lab out of drug rehab centre in former brothel; woman could lose eye after being hit by illegal firework; parking inspector assaulted for fine he didn’t hand out; gronk orders Uber to flee cops after car crash; over 100 escaped cows rampage through suburban streets
Shepparton, VIC — Woman allegedly sets other woman on fire
Gold Coast, QLD — Middle-aged menace vapes on plane before pulling down pants and pissing on vacant seats; hundreds of creek swimmers frolic in shit soup after sewage leak; grinch walks off with shopping centre’s massive Christmas reindeer display
Toowoomba, QLD — Gronk assaults his mum after accusing her of poisoning him with dog jizz
Tennant Creek, NT — Feral kids break into paramedic’s house during medical emergency; burglars steal keys to multiple ambulances
Bowen, QLD — Loose unit tries to run down firies outside IGA
Launceston, TAS — Hospital patients stored in cupboards due to lack of beds
Burnie, TAS — Pair of gronks smash $40k worth of shop windows; pest pleads guilty to crime spree including stealing car to get home, carrying meat cleaver and nunchucks and breaking into police station to steal two packs of lollies
Wadeye, NT — Man shot with bow during 40-person brawl
Hobart, TAS — Woman holding baby involved in shopping centre fight
Adelaide, SA — Driver allegedly blows 5 times alcohol limit after getting stuck on the O-Bahn and assaulting cop
Wodonga, VIC — Gutless goon smashes cancer kid’s Christmas display
Grafton, NSW — Prisoner breaks out of his cell then breaks into his girlfriend’s cell for a root
Glengarry, TAS — Logging truck overturns, bringing down power lines and igniting grass fire, while its cargo rolls down road and smashes into house and oncoming car
Townsville, QLD — Mum charged after spitting at man who criticised her for having her kid on a leash
Sydney, NSW — Locals celebrate as bricks of cocaine wash up on beaches; council erects sign begging locals not to shit in park
Bendigo, VIC — City named Australia’s swearing capital, appropriate because it’s a fucken shithole
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Got the shit towns book for xmas, what an awesome read….. bloody hilarious and painfully true lol.