STOA Newsletter #195
Kingarrhoids
Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. If you have mates who are keen to vote in our polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Kingaroy
Kingaroy is known as the ‘Peanut Capital of Australia’ due to the mangled nature of the male population’s genitalia — generations of inbreeding, unforgiving winters and exposure to an array of toxic chemicals have left them rocking pronks that resemble a shrivelled nut. The town’s landscape is dominated by massive ‘peanut silos’, where a team of deranged scientists work feverishly on new technology to enhance the town’s disappointing dongs so that male Kingaroos can at least go swimming without being laughed at by an eight-year-old boy.
Kingaroy’s name is derived from the Wakka Wakka word for ‘red ants’, and lives up to its name with a perennial infestation of the bitey little bastards. As well as red ants, Kingaroy is also known for its red dirt, Red Rooster and red necks.
The South Burnett shitter is home to Australia’s largest pig abattoir, which is a fantastic tourist attraction if you ever wanted to see swine slaughtered on an industrial scale. The abattoir also lends the town its lovely odour of burst intestines and violent death.
Kingaroy has a vibrant sporting scene largely because there is fuck all else to do in town — athletic Kingarrhoids include cricketer Matthew Hayden, NRL players Chris Sandow and Chris McQueen and Wallabies flyhalf Berrick Barnes. Kingaroy is also the hometown of the infamous Joh Bjelke-Petersen, who is the GOAT in the sport of political corruption.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Port Pirie, SA — Doctor ragequits and flees town 45 minutes into new job due to state of hospital care; drongo arrested after calling cops about break-in only for them to find homemade explosives, pen gun and other weapons in his house; horny town tops nationwide sex toy sales
Abermain, NSW — 6 people including 2 kids injured after dipshit crashes car while doing burnout, driver then hospitalised after being beaten up by bystanders
Gold Coast, QLD — Feral teens chuck can of piss at random pedestrian; loose unit uproots trees, smashes tables and floods business with fire hose during destructive rampage; 4 teens bashed by gang of 30 thugs
Wollongong, NSW — Good Samaritan gronk calls 000 for man having brain aneurysm then steals his car; cop allegedly crashes car while drink-driving
Emerald, QLD — Students and teacher injured after feral teen allegedly pulls out knife during school brawl
Kingaroy, QLD — Druggo walks for 9 hours before breaking into elderly woman’s house for a shower and a wank; pest jailed after flogging grog and molesting mannequin
Smithton, TAS — Ice-addled Tasmaniac beats his dad with stick for not giving him ciggies
Weipa, QLD — Hillbillies hold space company workers at knifepoint and make them dig a hole
Strathalbyn, SA — Drunk driver blows 9 times legal limit
Wagga Wagga, NSW — Feral teen steals postie’s motorbike to fetch a beer from home
Fan Mail: Sale
Some Facebook feedback following our Sale review.
Perth, WA: Fuckhead doctor crashes into parked car at 130km/h with a blood alcohol of 0.183, killing young woman and seriously injuring other driver.
Thought that deserved a notch on the ladder
Haha. I have photographs after the big horse race, at The Rocks, and it was my alleged honeymoon!!!!! Wrong.
Regent was okay