STOA Newsletter #201
The Centrelink Coast
Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. If you have mates who are keen to vote in our polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Region: Central Coast
Combining featureless urban sprawl with some truly degenerate savagery, New South Wales’ Central Coast is a rat king of shit towns. Boasting such attractions as syringe-littered beaches, copious roundabouts and shit roads, the area houses a diverse array of arseholes including tourists, old people, thugs, human seagulls and people who work in Sydney but couldn’t bring themselves to live in Sydney.
The poo in the Cenny Coast’s crown is Gosford (short for ‘Godforsaken Hellhole’), the area’s derelict CBD. Full of deros, druggos and dole bludgers, the epitomical shit town is commonly referred to as ‘Mount Druitt by the Sea’, ‘Sandy Parramatta’ or ‘Nautical Campbelltown’. Popular activities in Gosford include asking strangers for cigarettes, spray painting your name on a train or keeping your pants up with a length of electrical cord.
‘Gosford’ is also slang for a particularly short skirt, as the town is close to a holiday resort called The Entrance. Appropriately, gosfords are the standard dress choice of the town’s carefree female folk, usually paired with a thin strip of fabric as a top and no underwear, while the blokes favour Tapout shirts tight enough to show off the fruits of their disciplined steroid abuse.
Gosford is home to the Central Coast Mariners soccer team, who play their home games at three-quarters of a stadium on the waterfront. Due to a dearth of fans, the ground only has stands on three sides; the fourth borders a road by the sea, allowing the Mariners’ usually wayward strikers to boot the ball into the drink with unsurprising regularity.
Other crapholes along the Coast include ‘Terrible’ Terrigal, the aptly named sex offender hub Tuggerah, and the activewear-wearing single-parent mecca Copacabana (named after a Barry Manilow song). The Entrance magically transforms into the Gaza Strip annually after being ravaged by Sydneysiders over the Christmas period. A popular Central Coast saying is ‘Get along to Ettalong’ — lesser-known variations include ‘Puff a joint at Buff Point’, ‘Get your bong ready for Long Jetty’, ‘Try chroming at Wyoming’, ‘Stroke your banana at Copacabana’, ‘Get put in a coma in Tacoma’, and ‘Get stabbed 57 times in the face in Wyong’.
Whether you are an old fart wanting to expire by the ocean or simply feel like being assaulted at a beach, the Central Coast is for you!
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Sutton, NSW — Deadshit steals car with 8-year-old girl inside before mowing down two schoolboys
Perth, WA — Tow truck towed away by tow truck after allegedly doing 97km/h in school zone; 4WD fuckwit deliberately ploughs into flock of corella birds
Gold Coast, QLD — Couple fuck in front of kids and tourists at popular pelican feeding spot before demanding payment for the ‘show’
Adelaide, SA — Bunch of feral 14-year-olds arrested after stealing car and joyriding on O-Bahn
Bendigo, VIC — Lawyer crashes dead client’s car while 5 times over alcohol limit
Townsville, QLD — Pest creeps through back yards with his dick out; gronks steal wheels off banana cart
Pittsworth, QLD — Real estate signs vandalised with human poo
Meningie, SA — Geniuses caught by cops after driving around with open car boot stuffed full of weed
Gosford, NSW — Gronk due to face magistrate instead gets high, steals car outside courthouse, gets found by cops asleep in stolen car wearing socks on hands
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
9 is funny