STOA Newsletter #97
Welcome to another issue of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
This week: After missing out on the first power rankings of the year, Tasmania resorts to drastic measures to get back on the list. Plus, we shine a shitlight on Sydney and The Shire.
If you have mates who are keen to vote in our polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Sydney Slang Map
A slang map of Sydney created by Topher Agar.
Available as a poster or print from our merch store here.
Shit Town: Sutherland Shire
Commonly called ‘The Shire’ like something out of a shit children’s book, Sutherland Shire is home to sun-cooked surfies, image-obsessed idiots, Hillsong hillbillies and other types of the worst white people. A backwards country town stuck in a big city, it’s like someone dropped Dubbo at the arse end of Botany Bay and told them to make the best of it. The only thing smaller than the mind of the average Shire resident is their steroid-atrophied gonads—considering the shrivelled raisins the average Cronullagator is working with, it’s surprising that any of them are able to sire broods of illegitimate sprogs. Sutherland Shire is also home to the Sharks, a gang of bogans so feral that even the rest of the NRL thinks they are a bit much.
The area was immortalised in the terrible television series The Shire, a pseudo-reality show about a bunch of vapid fuckwits with names like Rif-Raf, Michelka and Beckaa. Shire residents were outraged that Shire residents were portrayed accurately in the show and the mayor threatened to ban the production.
The jewel in The Shire’s crown is Cronulla, a suburb most famous for its 2005 race riots in which throngs of flag-wearing rednecks took to the streets and beaches to bash brown people. Classy ‘Cronullafornia’ is also home to a giant mural of Shannon Noll getting his nip out. Nearby Engadine is enshrined in folklore as the site of an alleged fast-food faecal fiasco by a future former prime minister. Arguably as significant as ScoMo’s chocolate McFlurry was James Cook’s first landing in Australia at Kurnell in 1770, which began the long tradition of immigrants arriving in The Shire only to be told to fuck off back to where they came from.
From our book Sh*t Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Cressy, TAS — Depraved Tasmaniacs use live trout as vibrator and fuck on a grave
Alice Springs, NT — Machete-wielding 13-year-old arrested in Woolies; town cracks top 20 in global crime list; new grog restrictions announced for all residents
Perth, WA — Sandgropers celebrate Australia Day with riots and mass brawls; gronk who received $24k in donations after ‘mugging’ in Bali reveals he actually fell off his scooter while riding shitfaced at 4am
Cairns, QLD — Gronk sprays shit all over partner’s house
Launceston, TAS — Woman tries to stab boyfriend with car keys during driving lesson
Byron Bay, NSW — Naked trespassers skinny dip in stranger’s pool before trashing property
Kalgoorlie, WA — Disgruntled client sets fire to real estate office, then smokes ciggie while waiting for cops to arrest him
Townsville, QLD — Cops investigate multiple reports of beach wankers
Toowoomba, QLD — Sicko swipes sex shop’s biggest display dildo
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Genius!
Almost perfect.
But did you miss "Vanilla Hills" or "White-bred Hills" (yes correct spelling) for the whole of the Hills District (Caso Baulko etc)