Australia's Shittest Big Thing Pt. 1
We’re on a mission to find Australia’s Shittest Big Thing, and we need your help!
Our expert panel of shitologists have shortlisted 32 of the country’s most cringeworthy concrete creatures, fibreglass fruits and other oversized embarrassments, and organised them into a knock-out bracket. Vote in our first eight first-round ties below, then follow the link at the bottom for the rest of Round 1.
Voting closes Monday 6 June; Round 2 begins Tuesday 7 June.
If you haven’t already, don’t forget to subscribe to have the next round’s voting form delivered to your inbox.
R1#1: Merino v Ram
The Big Merino (Goulburn, NSW)
Whoever designed this fifteen-metre-tall monstrosity was obviously given a brief to make it look as hideous as humanly possible. Covered from head to hoof in flabby folds, the Big Merino looks more like a malignant tumour than a farm animal. Unbelievably, the monstrous monument was modelled on a real ram, proving that the livestock of Goulburn are just as inbred as the locals. Adding to the Big Merino’s indignity is a set of giant gonads on full display.
The Giant Ram (Wagin, WA)
Similarly ovine and betesticled is Wagin’s Giant Ram, a lame knock-off of Goulburn’s monument that looks like someone tried to order the Big Merino from Wish. WA’s version does at least have the added advantage of allowing visitors to walk underneath it, offering unparalleled views of its bulging ball sack.
Which is more shit?
R1#2: Koala v Koala
The Giant Koala (Dadswells Bridge, VIC)
A gigantic red-eyed, hairy-eared replica of the only creature with more chlamydia than a local youth, the Giant Koala is the perfect mascot for the nearby shit town of Horsham: awkward, disfigured and looking like it’s been up for three days straight on a JobSeeker-funded meth binge. It also features the world’s only gift shop housed in a marsupial’s vagina.
The Big Koala (Cowes, VIC)
It may not be the most terrifying giant koala in Victoria, but this Big Thing is shit due to the fact that a town called Cowes chose to build a Big Koala rather than some Big Cows. Shame.
Which is more shit?
R1#3: Prawn v Lobster
The Big Prawn (Ballina, NSW)
There’s a reason prawns are so small: so we don’t have to be confronted by their creepy crustacean features at full size — until now. Plonked unceremoniously in the car park of Ballina Bunnings, the Big Prawn is enough to put any home handyman off their Sunday sausage sizzle.
The Big Lobster (Kingston SE, SA)
Located on the popular coastal route between Adelaide and Melbourne, this 17-metre-tall Lovecraftian atrocity known locally as ‘Larry’ is clearly designed to scare the piss out of passing roadtrippers. The only thing missing is a pot big enough to boil this monstrosity.
Which is more shit?
R1#4: Ant v Ant
The Big Ant (Broken Hill, NSW)
Broken Hillbillies are a befuddled bunch: they don’t know what state they’re in (observing South Australian time), they don’t know that cheese slaw is unfit for human consumption, and they apparently don’t know what ants look like — hence this hunk of scrap metal masquerading as a tourist attraction.
The Big Meat Ant (Augathella, QLD)
Unlike Broken Hill’s Big Ant, this thing actually looks like one, which makes it a truly terrifying spectacle. Local authorities in the remote Queensland town are reportedly at a loss as to why the Big Meat Ant has failed to attract the waves of tourists they had anticipated.
Which is more shit?
R1#5: Owl v Galah
The Big Powerful Owl (Belconnen, ACT)
Let’s be honest — this is really the Big Powerful Dong. Nobody knows exactly why Canberra’s attempt at a Big Thing is shaped exactly like a penis and scrotum. It’s as if penny-pinching bureaucrats grabbed an old dick sculpture off Gumtree, painted a couple of eyes on it and dumped it on the side of the road.
The Big Galah (Kimba, SA)
The Eyre Peninsula town of Kimba marks the halfway point between Perth and Sydney, i.e. the middle of fucking nowhere. In desperate need of a Big Thing, local Eyreheads opted for a creature synonymous with stupidity — the perfect mascot for the town.
Which is more shit?
R1#6: Penguin v Oyster
The Big Penguin (Penguin, TAS)
Appropriately situated in the Tasmanian town of Penguin, the wide-eyed Big Penguin is a tribute to the episode of Pingu where he experimented with disco biscuits. To be honest, there are worse ways to spend your time in Penguin than double-dropping and giving Pingu a fondle.
The Big Oyster (Taree, NSW)
Originally an unsuccessful restaurant and souvenir shop, the Big Oyster has since converted to a car dealership because nobody visits Taree. With a mouthful of windows that look disturbingly like teeth, it’s no wonder this yonic yawner is known locally as the ‘Big Mistake’. While oysters are famously known as an aphrodisiac, the only thing this oversized mollusc will inspire you to do is get out of town as quickly as humanly possible.
Which is more shit?
R1#7: Tassie Devil v Boxing Croc
The Big Tassie Devil (Mole Creek, TAS)
Inexplicably lacking rear legs, the Big Tassie Devil looks like it’s desperately dragging itself from a chainsaw-wielding Tasmaniac who just sliced it in half. The disturbing devil does however get accuracy points for apparently having facial tumour disease.
The Big Boxing Crocodile (Humpty Doo, NT)
Frozen in an unnatural pose in a shithole town just outside Darwin, this massive boxing croc is one of Australia’s strangest Big Things, not to mention the most unrealistic. It is also the only pugilist in Australia with less credibility than Paul Gallen.
Which is more shit?
R1#8: Rocking Horse v Rubbish Bin
The Big Rocking Horse (Gumeracha, SA)
Staring out over the tiny town of Gumeracha with a dull, listless gaze reminiscent of truck stop hooker, the Big Rocking Horse is a gigantic tribute to one of the worst toys known to man. Crucially, the Big Rocking Horse doesn’t actually rock, making it the Big Horse — which isn’t actually that impressive.
World’s Tallest Bin (Kalgoorlie, WA)
Fittingly for a dumpster fire of a town, Kalgoorlie’s attempt at a Big Thing is a giant rubbish bin — or to be accurate, an eight-metre length of rusty pipe with some handles and ‘World’s Tallest Bin’ painted on it. The Big Bin was installed as a promotional prop to discourage littering, despite the irony that it is far too tall for anyone to use.
Which is more shit?
Click here for Part 2!
Must you make it so hard to choose??? We drown in shit selections! How blessed we are!
Where's mention of that other oversized embarrassment, Scott Morrison?