Australia's Shittest Big Thing Pt. 2
We’re on a mission to find Australia’s Shittest Big Thing, and we need your help!
Our expert panel of shitologists have shortlisted 32 of the country’s most cringeworthy concrete creatures, fibreglass fruits and other oversized embarrassments, and organised them into a knock-out bracket. Vote in our last eight first-round ties below, and if you missed it, click here for the first eight.
Voting closes Monday 6 June; Round 2 begins Tuesday 7 June.
If you haven’t already, don’t forget to subscribe to have the next round’s voting form delivered to your inbox.
R1#9: Easel v Guitar
The Big Easel (Emerald, QLD)
Emerald’s most prominent attraction, this giant version of a Van Gogh painting perched on an oversized easel is a tribute to the town’s long history of self-harm. Easel-y one of Australia’s worst tourist attractions.
The Golden Guitar (Tamworth, NSW)
Tamworth’s most notable landmark is a celebration of the ‘Country Music Capital’s fondness for punishing ballads about broken-down utes, unfaithful sheilas and marrying your sister.
Which is more shit?
R1#10: Gumboot v Ugg Boots
The Golden Gumboot (Tully, QLD)
The Golden Gumboot marks Tully’s status as one of Australia’s rainiest towns, and the monument’s 7.9-metre height represents the soggy town’s record annual rainfall. Why anyone would want to celebrate excessive rainfall is anyone’s guess.
The Big Ugg Boots (Thornton, NSW)
Appropriately, the bogan-infested city of Maitland hosts the Big Ugg Boots, a supersized shrine to Australia’s favourite sheepskin skank shoes (most of which are actually made in China from rat hides and political prisoners’ pubes).
Which is more shit?
R1#11: Rum Bottle v Stubby
The Big Rum Bottle (Bundaberg, QLD)
Bundaberg is so synonymous with booze that its premier tourist attraction is a giant bottle of the old sugarcane champagne, which is popular among tourists who enjoy taking selfies of themselves dry-rooting it for an edgy new Tinder pic, and locals who are still trying to figure out how to open it to get the grog out.
The Big Stubby (Larrimah, NT)
As if a classic NT Draught ‘Darwin Stubby’ weren’t already big enough, an even bigger version exists in Larrimah. Sitting outside a pub in the middle of Northern Territory nowhere, the Big Stubby is the perfect celebration of good old-fashioned Aussie alcoholism.
Which is more shit?
R1#12: Potato v Orange
The Big Potato (Robertson, NSW)
The main tourist attraction of Robertson barely qualifies as a Big Thing as it’s basically just a septic tank that someone painted brown and called a potato. Obviously designed by someone who had never seen a spud before, it looks more like a turd than a tuber. The Big ‘Pootato’ not only resembles a shit, but also suffered the ignominy of being welded shut because people kept defecating inside it.
The Big Orange (Berri, SA)
The South Australian town of Berri has inexplicably plumped for a gigantic orange, rather than the thing in its name. We hereby challenge the Berri brains trust to either gift the Big Orange to Orange in New South Wales or slap it with a red coat of paint and call it a ‘cranberri’.
Which is more shit?
R1#13: Banana v Pineapple
The Big Banana (Coffs Harbour, NSW)
The only thing sadder than basing your entire town’s tourism industry around a big phallic fruit is choosing one as generic as a banana. The Coffs monument’s uniqueness and therefore reason to exist have been shattered by similar erections in Mackay, QLD and Carnarvon, WA.
The Big Pineapple (Woombye, QLD)
The Big Pineapple celebrates Woombye’s long-held fondness for swinging. When they aren’t swapping partners or enjoying a pina colada, residents of ‘The Womb’ will often take a ride on The Big Pineapple’s Nutmobile, a testicle-themed conveyance that allows orgy goers to find more secluded spots to enjoy their carnal doings.
Which is more shit?
R1#14: Mango v Melon
The Big Mango (Bowen, QLD)
Bowen’s ten-metre-tall misshapen lump of fibreglass looks more like a gangrenous gonad than a piece of fruit. The Big Mango was famously ‘stolen’ in 2014 in what was later revealed to be a publicity stunt for a fast-food chain. Keen-eyed observers were suspicious of the ‘theft’ from the outset as clearly no one would want to steal that piece of shit.
The Big Melon (Chinchilla, QLD)
Instead of opting for a big version of the rodent with which it shares its name, Chinchilla erected a giant slice of who the fuck cares. To further the disappointment, the ‘Melon Capital’ went with a single piece rather than a pair, preventing easy jokes about checking out the town’s giant melons. Poor.
Which is more shit?
R1#15: Ned Kelly v Ned Kelly
The Big Ned Kelly (Maryborough, QLD)
Maryborough celebrates its preponderance of local violent criminals with a giant shotgun-toting Ned Kelly looming over a servo, presumably with the intent of robbing it for a carton of durries. It is unclear what relevance the bloodthirsty bushranger has to Maryborough.
The Big Ned Kelly (Glenrowan, VIC)
The beloved murderer is also celebrated with a near-identical but slightly smaller monument in the town where he famously shot up a bunch of cops, which is a bit like erecting a six-metre statue of Ivan Milat on the side of the Hume Highway.
Which is more shit?
R1#16: Bogan v Captain Cook
The Big Bogan (Nyngan, NSW)
The two-dimensional mulleted, goateed, patriotic-tattoo-adorned, wife-beater-wearing, esky-toting bloke celebrates Nyngan’s status as the main centre of the unfortunately named Bogan Shire. Not depicted is the Big Bogan’s Big Holden Commodore with its Big Racist Bumper Sticker.
The Big Captain Cook (Cairns Mount Molloy, QLD)
The only Big Thing more bogan than a Big Bogan is a towering statue of Captain Cook giving an unmistakable Hitler salute (which also works as an accidental critique of colonisation). Very recently, Adolf Cook was toppled and moved from his home of fifty years in Cairns to a more appropriate location: a scrap yard in Mount Molloy.
Which is more shit?
Keep an eye out next week for Round 2!
The Big Potato!, the absolute shittest shit Big Thing there is - owing to the fact it actually resembles a Big Shit! lol
The Captain Cook in Cairns is no longer there, and he was evicted because they are developing the site. It was purchased for $1 and is headed for Atherton Tablelands to a holding facility. Cairns is still celebrating the removal of this very ugly and inappropriate monstrosity.