Just eight remain in the race for the title of Australia’s Shittest Big Thing. Scroll down to vote in the Quarter-Finals!
Voting closes Monday 20 June, before the Semi-Finals begin on Tuesday 21 June.
If you haven’t already, don’t forget to subscribe to have the next round’s voting form delivered to your inbox.
QF1: Koala v Ant
The Giant Koala (Dadswells Bridge, VIC)
A gigantic red-eyed, hairy-eared replica of the only creature with more chlamydia than a local youth, the Giant Koala is the perfect mascot for the nearby shit town of Horsham: awkward, disfigured and looking like it’s been up for three days straight on a JobSeeker-funded meth binge. It also features the world’s only gift shop housed in a marsupial’s vagina.
The Big Ant (Broken Hill, NSW)
Broken Hillbillies are a befuddled bunch: they don’t know what state they’re in (observing South Australian time), they don’t know that cheese slaw is unfit for human consumption, and they apparently don’t know what ants look like — hence this hunk of scrap metal masquerading as a tourist attraction.
Which is more shit?
QF2: Oyster v Bin
The Big Oyster (Taree, NSW)
Originally an unsuccessful restaurant and souvenir shop, the Big Oyster has since converted to a car dealership because nobody visits Taree. With a mouthful of windows that look disturbingly like teeth, it’s no wonder this yonic yawner is known locally as the ‘Big Mistake’. While oysters are famously known as an aphrodisiac, the only thing this massive mollusc will inspire you to do is get out of town as quickly as humanly possible.
World’s Tallest Bin (Kalgoorlie, WA)
Fittingly for a dumpster fire of a town, Kalgoorlie’s attempt at a Big Thing is a giant rubbish bin — or to be accurate, an eight-metre length of rusty pipe with some handles and ‘World’s Tallest Bin’ painted on it. The Big Bin was installed as a promotional prop to discourage littering, despite the irony that it is far too tall for anyone to use. Someone needs to make an even bigger bin to put this bin in.
Which is more shit?
QF3: Easel v Potato
The Big Easel (Emerald, QLD)
Emerald’s most prominent attraction, this giant version of a Van Gogh painting perched on an oversized easel is a tribute to the town’s long history of self-harm. Easel-y one of Australia’s worst tourist attractions.
The Big Potato (Robertson, NSW)
The main tourist attraction of Robertson barely qualifies as a Big Thing as it’s basically just a septic tank that someone painted brown and called a potato. Obviously designed by someone who had never seen a spud before, it looks more like a surprise gift from Amber Heard than anything you’d want to put in your gob. The Big ‘Pootato’ not only resembles a shit, but also suffered the ignominy of being welded shut because people kept defecating inside it.
Which is more shit?
QF4: Mango v Captain Cook
The Big Mango (Bowen, QLD)
Bowen’s ten-metre-tall misshapen lump of fibreglass looks more like a gangrenous gonad than a piece of fruit. The Big Mango was famously ‘stolen’ in 2014 in what was later revealed to be a publicity stunt for a fast-food chain. Keen-eyed observers were suspicious of the ‘theft’ from the outset as clearly no one would want to steal that piece of shit.
The Big Captain Cook (Cairns Mount Molloy, QLD)
Incredibly, someone in Cairns thought it would be a great idea to construct a towering statue of Captain Cook giving an unmistakable Hitler salute (which also works as an accidental critique of colonisation). Very recently, Adolf Cook was toppled and moved from his home of fifty years in Cairns to a more appropriate location: lying on his arse in a scrap yard in Mount Molloy.
Which is more shit?
Keep an eye out next week for the Semi-Finals!
I feel like the world's tallest bin might lose out this round, which really is a damn shame since it's so absolutely shit in both idea and design ❤️❤️
…AN ODE IN PRAISE OF THE CAPTAIN COOK STATUE
…
WHO SAYS WE DON’T HAVE HISTORY AND CULTURE?
…
For fifty asphalt bordered years,
Ten metres of low grade concrete
Crumbled in a tropical rain
Scented with salt and diesel fumes.
A pallid blob of civic pride
Only held together by
Layers of hurriedly applied
Cut price and flaking paint.
A masterpiece, it flipping aint.
…
Icon of Terra Nullius.
High above his skinny white thighs
A pair of puzzled vacant eyes
Gazed past a weird, fascist salute
Made by his empty, grasping hand…
Long, long gone, his memory clings,
To this damaged and stolen land;
‘Cos in between the strip of tar
And closed motel that bear his name
Stood this symbol of his fame...
…
PC