Shit Holidays Newsletter #13

Orlando

Welcome to another edition of the Shit Holidays newsletter. This week we visit Orlando, Florida, plus share some of the response to our recent coverage of cruises.

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Orlando

Formerly a hub of citrus production, Orlando is now Florida’s theme park capital, which basically means it’s a giant liquor store car park with a roller coaster. Famous attractions include Walt Disney World (where visitors can experience the magic of capitalism as envisaged by an antisemitic fascist whose head is currently defrosting in a cryogenic facility somewhere in the Arizona desert), and Universal’s Islands of Adventure (a theme park partly themed on Jurassic Park, a film about the worst ever theme park). Consequently, Orlando is filled to the brim with weekend dads trying to make up for missed birthdays with turkey legs and Mickey Mouse ears, and middle-aged hipsters trying desperately to break the crushing ennui of their mid-thirties by recapturing the fleeting joyful moments of their youth before they were ruined by terrible prequels and transphobia. If a grown man in a Hogwarts uniform screaming made-up words while flailing about with a pretend wand doesn’t fill you with a sense of wonder, then maybe Orlando isn’t for you.

Another popular theme park is SeaWorld, famous for jamming orcas into paddling pools and abusing them like Chinese gymnasts until they perform inane tricks or murder their trainers. Until his death in 2017 SeaWorld’s star attraction was the psychopathic cetacean Tilikum, who clocked up three human kills - 75% of all orca murders on record. Most oceanariums have killer whales - SeaWorld has serial killer whales.

The most popular ride at Orlando’s theme parks is ‘queuing for hours in lengthy lines before passing out due to the oppressive Florida heat’. This is quickly followed by eating yourself into a coma by consuming American-sized portions of sugary, deep fried confections that have the nutritional value of an asbestos sandwich.

Orlando is also home to an array of other family-friendly attractions, from water parks where you can slide around in other people’s piss, to convenience stores selling assault weapons, to strip clubs showcasing some of the most blatantly artificial tits known to man. Orlando is the only place where you can pay a college student dressed as a Disney princess to pose for a photo with your kid, then pay her for a lap dance a few hours later.

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Orlando Facts

Population: 281,000.

Founded: 1875.

Currency: Bootleg Disney merchandise.

Demonym: Orlandope.

Also known as: Whorelando, Borelando, Orlandon’t, O-Town (which doesn’t refer to the number of orgasms you’ll be enjoying in Orlando but rather the noise you make when you receive your hotel bill).

As seen in: Jaws 3-D, a sequel so sucktacular that even the shark wasn’t impressed it was in 3-D.

Most famous resident: Kazaam star Shaquille O’Neal.

Did you know? There is no official explanation for how Orlando got its name. Some speculate it was named after a character in Shakespeare’s As You Like It, while others believe it is named after a gigolo who set a record for servicing a staggering number of elderly women. Prior to that it was known as Jernigan.

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Top 10 Things to Do in Orlando

1. Finger Cinderella behind Magic Kingdom

2. Vomit on a roller coaster

3. Diarrhoea in a hydro slide

4. Nut-punch Jesus at the Holy Land Experience

5. Blow your whole holiday budget on toll roads

6. Die of boredom at a timeshare presentation

7. Catch Ebola from Lake Eola

8. Get put off your buffet by some shitty dinner theatre

9. Get wrecked on bath salts and wake up naked on a golf course

10. Break into SeaWorld and get murdered by an orca

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Fan Mail: Cruises