Welcome back to the Shit Holidays newsletter. This week we visit the iconic tourist destination of Amsterdam.
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Amsterdam
Amsterdam is famous for its liberal attitudes towards adult recreation, making it a kind of Disneyland for adults if Mickey favoured bong rips while Minnie was three knuckles deep. Unfortunately, it is also filled with the Dutch.
Amsterdam’s premier attraction is the De Wallen red-light district, where you can watch the victims of human trafficking twerk in a storefront while they wait to be used as a human ashtray by a busload of English football hooligans drunk on Carling and racism. If paying an Eastern European woman who has been smuggled into the country in a shipping container to give you a half-hearted hand crank in front of your five-a-side team isn’t your idea of a good time, then you could indulge in Amsterdam’s other famous pastime: getting high as fuck in a so-called ‘coffee shop’. The city attracts waves of wasters from around the world, intent on trying the famous Amsterdam tradition of getting more stoned than a Saudi homosexual and falling in a canal.
Amsterdam is renowned for its canal system, a vast network of open sewers clogged with weird-looking tour boats, which exist primarily to give sex tourists something to do during the daytime. The murky sludge from these canals is harvested by an enterprising local company and sold to the same unsuspecting tourists as beer — this is known in Dutch as ‘Heineken’.
Amsterdam is also home to the Van Gogh Museum, which celebrates an artist with a name that sounds like an elderly hooker coughing up a particularly viscous wad of spunk and who had a predilection for self-mutilation and painting sunflowers. During his lifetime he was considered a madman and an abject failure, which is probably why he is a Dutch national hero. Another popular attraction is the Anne Frank House, a homage to the Hide & Seek World Champion 1942-1944.
If you find yourself confronted with the cloying stench of fish, it’s not the red-light district but one of the city’s ubiquitous herring stands. The disgusting fishy fare served up at these haringhandels is one of Holland’s most famous and enduring practical jokes along with clogs, ‘drop’ liquorice and electing a guy called Tiny Cox to the Senate.
If you want to smoke yourself into a coma, stick your finger in a dike or just do some ‘Amsterdamage’ to your liver, then the ‘Venice of the North’ is the place for you!
Amsterdam Facts
Population: 908,000.
Founded: Circa 1300.
Currency: Euro, human women.
Language: Dutch, one of the weirdest inventions known to man.
Also known as: Shit Venice.
As seen in: Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo - a classic piece of American cinema examining the existential plight of a male sex worker, starring noted thespian Rob Schneider.
Most famous resident: Rembrandt, painter famous for his prolific output and his prolific input (when it came to his servants).
Did you know? Dutch women are more likely than any others to take a dump on your chest.
Top 10 Things to Do in Amsterdam
Get mowed down by a tram
Get decapitated by a windmill
Feel gross when the hookers beckon at you
Feel offended when they don’t
Go to a sex show to watch some amputees scissoring on a tarp
Lose your shit over some fucking tulips
Go on a canal cruise and fall in a canal
Go on a bicycle tour and fall in a canal
Get high at a coffee shop and fall in a canal
Try to take a photo of a brothel and get thrown in a canal by a bouncer