Welcome to another Shit Holidays newsletter. This week, to quote the Dutch musical abomination the Vengaboys, we’re going to Ibiza.
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Ibiza
Ibiza is known as the White Isle, not because of its famous white sandy beaches but for the tsunami of pasty British types who flood the Spanish hotspot in search of sun, sluts and something to snort. ‘White Isle’ also refers to Ibiza’s absolute abundance of cocaine, one of several illicit substances flowing through the veins of every single visitor at any given time.
Ibiza bills itself as the party capital of the world, which means you’ve got a great chance of being sold dud pingas, groped or just plain ripped off. With more drug dealers than cops (not counting the cops who are drug dealers) and more sex predators than drug dealers, Ibiza is basically Mos Eisley if you swapped the Jawas for celebrity DJs who later end up on charges. Ibiza is the island that never sleeps, but does pass out from alcohol poisoning (or drink spiking) on a regular basis.
The main ‘attraction’ of Ibiza is its super clubs, to which tourists flock to purchase overpriced cocktails and see a D-list celebrity push play on a Spotify playlist and twiddle some knobs. It’s a mecca for dance ‘music’, which isn’t actually music but rather a single skull-rattling bass note repeated ad infinitum, a pseudo-genre whose success relies on listeners being too fucked up to realise how awful it is.
Ibiza is also famous for its turquoise water and perfect white sands, a tempting distraction from the monumental hangover you are trying to work off after spending two weeks’ wages in a mega-club trying to get in the pants of a pink-haired barista with herpes. However, any attempt to relax will invariably be foiled by a swarm of local nightclub touts trying to convince you to fork over $50 to jam into one of the aforementioned torture chambers known as ‘clubs’.
If getting bleary-eyed in the Balearics isn’t your cup of ketamine then you could partake in Ibiza’s other main pastime: conspicuous displays of obscene wealth. Impress your other nouveau riche mates by blowing all your hard-earned crypto gains on unfathomably expensive restaurants and ‘luxurious’ five-star hotels.
Fortunately, there are ample employment opportunities in Ibiza, allowing you to pay for your eye-wateringly expensive week of debauchery by becoming a drug mule. If jamming a fistful of pills up your clacker doesn’t appeal then you can always clear your credit card by sucking off a super yacht owner.
Ibiza Facts
Population: 3 residents, 3 million tourists.
Founded: 654 B.C.
Found by tourists: 1975.
Currency: Drugs.
Language: Dance ‘music’.
Also known as: The White Isle, The Devil’s Bleached Arsehole, Hell.
Most famous resident: Sex Pistols bassist Sid Vicious lived in Ibiza as a child, where the constant dance music made him angry enough to become a punk pioneer.
Did you know? According to legend, fifteenth-century soothsayer Nostradamus predicted that Ibiza would be the last place to survive in the event of the apocalypse. Given that he never experienced a night at Amnesia, it’s amazing how accurate he was — after they drop the bombs the only things left standing will be cockroaches and trance DJs.
Top 10 Things to Do in Ibiza
Ecstasy
Cocaine
Ketamine
Alcohol
Cannabis
GHB
LSD
Jenkem
Meth
Snorkelling