Welcome to another Shit Holidays newsletter. This week, we skip over to Scotland to examine Edinburgh.
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Edinburgh
The purported capital of a pretend country, Edinburgh is a drab, depressing cluster of churches, castles and other crap-coloured buildings, crawling with cross-dressing barbarians belting out bruising bagpipe ballads for booze money. When they’re not busking with the most heinous instrument known to man, Edinburgers spend their days whinging about Glasgow, whinging about England, or trying to end it all by overdosing on heroin, hard liquor or deep-fried Mars bars. Despite looking like it should be ‘Edin-berg’, the city’s name actually sounds more like ‘Edin-burrow’, which is appropriate considering most of the population resemble subterranean mole people who only venture to the surface during an eclipse.
Edinburgh has been neatly divided into the ‘Old Town’ (which is fucking old) and the ‘New Town’ (which is also fucking old but not as old as the ‘Old Town’). Centred around a medieval labyrinth of cobbled streets and rapey alleyways, Edinburgh is like Hogwarts if Ron was hooked on smack, Hermione was working on her third abortion and Harry stoved people’s heads in because they supported the wrong Quidditch team.
The city’s most famous landmark is Edinburgh Castle, which is overrun by obese Americans complaining that some bastard had the temerity to build a fortress up a hill instead of conveniently laying it out on one of the flat bits. Edinburgh Castle is home to the Scottish Crown Jewels, which are actually just a half-eaten Toblerone and a used syringe. Another attraction is the statue of Greyfriars Bobby, a Victorian dog famous for guarding his owner's grave for 14 years until his own demise, setting the record for the longest continuous employment by a resident of Edinburgh.
If you get bored in Edinburgh, you should definitely attempt a Scottish accent while intoxicated — there’s nothing local bartenders love more than a tourist who tries to order a pint while sounding like a shitfaced Shrek. If you ‘enjoy’ Edinburgh’s nightlife you will almost certainly be accosted by a whisky nerd who will insist you swill ‘a wee dram’ of the noxious beverage and describe the experience as if you haven’t just gargled lighter fluid.
Edinburgh Facts
Population: 520,000.
Currency: Deep-fried British pound.
Language: Butchered English, Scots.
Demonym: Edinburger.
Also known as: Edinblergh, Edinbugger, Inbredinburgh.
As seen in: Trainspotting, a charming indie film in which some colourful characters engage in the traditional local pastimes of abusing heroin, having sex with minors and failing HIV tests.
Most famous resident: J.K. Rowling, who began writing Harry Potter in an Edinburgh coffee shop after picking up a copy of The Lord of the Rings and thinking ‘I’ll just rewrite that but make the hobbits kids and Gandalf gay’.
Did you know? Edinburgh is famous for inedible ‘delicacies’ such haggis, macaroni pies and deep-fried Mars bars. In fact, Edinburgers will deep-fry anything from a pizza to a placenta providing they can slather it in ‘brown sauce’, a foul condiment with both the consistency and colour of diarrhoea.
Top 10 Things to Do in Edinburgh
Buy some tacky tartan tat from a souvenir shop
Pay a bagpiping busker to stop
Get shouted at in unintelligible English
Drag your carcass up Arthur’s Seat
Gorge yourself on deep-fried entrails
Re-enact Braveheart in a Tesco car park
Get assaulted by a German mime at the Festival Fringe
Get accosted by a hen’s party at Grassmarket
‘Toss your caber’ at the ‘Pubic Triangle’
End up in a coma after sitting in the wrong section at a Hibs-Hearts derby