Shit Holidays Newsletter #21
Cardiff
Welcome back to the Shit Holidays newsletter. This week, we give Cardiff a crack.
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Cardiff
The Welsh are the descendents of the original inhabitants of the British Isles that the Romans couldn’t be buggered conquering. These oppressively polite natives have returned the favour by greeting visitors with the sort of unstinting hospitality that almost certainly serves to obscure some dire goings-on. It’s unclear what they are up to, but it almost certainly involves interfering with animals and probably a bit of cannibalism. Fond of rugby, romancing sheep and speaking with an accent that makes them sound like they’ve recently taken a knock to the head, the Welsh are very much the New Zealanders of the north.
Wales’ capital is Cardiff, a soggy bore that offers all the dreary atmosphere of Huddersfield combined with the stultifying dullness of Sunderland. The city’s premier attractions are a selection of grey things, such as crumbling castles and guano-coated statues. One of the most popular is the Animal Wall, a sculptured fortification outside Cardiff Castle featuring 15 animals rendered in 3D for the sexual arousal of local residents.
Aside from rugby, Wales’ other national sport is problem drinking, something that can be either witnessed or indulged in anywhere in Cardiff at any time. Most street signs feature the Welsh language — which famously looks like what would happen if you randomly smashed your head into a bag of Scrabble tiles — making it difficult to figure out if you are intoxicated at the best of times.
Cardiff is also famous as the filming location of Dr. Who, so if you happen to see a nattily dressed hobo being chased down the street by some angry mailboxes, then you haven’t had a stroke but likely just stumbled across filming for the latest season.
With all the glamour of a gumboot full of diarrhoea, Cardiff has everything you need for a shit holiday. At least it has the minor consolation of not being Swansea, Llanelli or, God forbid, Neath.
Cardiff Facts
Population: 367,000.
Founded: Circa 1100.
Currency: British pound, daffodils, leeks.
Language: Nobody knows.
Demonym: Carduffer.
Also known as: The City of Arcades, The Diff, Cardi D, Shardiff, Lardiff.
As seen in: Dr. Who. The BBC was able to save on CGI and prosthetics by casting locals as extraterrestrials.
Most famous resident: Roald Dahl grew up in Cardiff, inspiring his book The Twits.
Did you know? Every Cardiff resident’s surname is Jones, Thomas or Williams. If they claim they have a different surname then they are lying.
Top 10 Things to Do in Cardiff
A sheep
A goat
A cow
Another sheep
A pig
A chicken
A close blood relative
A horse
A donkey
Visit Cardiff Castle
Wales can't be that bad: we named the best State in Australia after South Wales! :-)
You missed the part where we love people from every nation - except England.
Rest seems legit 😂🏴