Shit Holidays Newsletter #23
Dublin
Welcome to another issue of the Shit Holidays newsletter. This week we dive into Dublin, plus share some of the response to our Miami review.
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Dublin
Dublin is considered Ireland’s cultural capital, which makes it the global capital of alcoholism, sectarian violence and passing off maudlin nostalgia as art. The original meaning of Dublin translates to ‘black pool’, a reference to the grubby shit puddle that the city was founded on. Dublin is also known as ‘The Fair City’, a nickname derived from the fact that the average Dubliner’s complexion is essentially translucent.
Most of Dublin’s tourist attractions are breweries, distilleries and pubs — testament to Ireland’s national drinking problem. No visit to Dublin is complete without a stop at a history-laden boozer or the production facility of a multinational peddler of addictive substances. Drinking is a religious experience in Dublin, which is probably why the city’s most famous watering holes are called The Temple Bar and The Church. The latter is an actual church that was converted into a nightclub, offering locals a new way to get molested in a familiar setting.
Dublin is also home to Guinness, Ireland’s most famous export despite the fact that it is actually just used motor oil topped with a creamy head of leprechaun cum masquerading as an alcoholic beverage. This also makes Dublin the home of the Guinness World Records, several of which are held by Dublin itself, including ‘World’s Funniest Accent’ and ‘Most Gingers Per Square Kilometre’.
Another popular tourist activity is the Viking tour boats, which see herds of obese Americans crammed onto a floating bus and encouraged to roar at passersby, celebrating the Viking-founded city’s fine traditions of sexual assault and setting fire to clergy. A famous local landmark is O’Connell Bridge, reputedly the only bridge in Europe with the same width and length, making it the only chode in Europe that can be used to cross a body of water.
Dublin is a UNESCO City of Literature, which is somewhat surprising given that a majority of the city’s residents can’t read. Famous Dublin writers include convicted buggerist Oscar Wilde, syphilitic peddler of smut James Joyce, and Twilight prequel author Bram Stoker. Dublin is also responsible for unleashing such musical mediocrities as Boyzone, B*Witched and U2, proving that it can be a disappointment in multiple artistic disciplines. A visit to Dublin promises a first-hand insight into the kind of shit town that could inspire such a range of creative crap.
Dublin Facts
Founded: 841.
Currency: Potatoes.
Language: English, Irish, drunken shouting.
Demonym: Dublinish.
Also known as: The Fair City, Publin, Grublin.
As seen in: Michael Collins, a rousing bucolic tale of a scrappy Irishman who resolves a neighbourly dispute in comic fashion.
Most famous resident: Mononymic mega-minge Bono, who specialises in telling his fans to donate to the poor while living a millionaire lifestyle and forcing his mediocre ‘music’ onto unsuspecting victims’ iPhones.
Top 10 Things to Do in Dublin
Molest the Molly Malone statue
Try your hand at a stupid sport that could only have been invented by someone who’d just taken a hit to the head in a drunken pub brawl, such as Gaelic football or hurling
Lose a drinking contest to a 15-year-old school girl
Blister your eardrums listening to a gang of old codgers armed with fiddles, flutes and banjos
Do a spot of poaching in Phoenix Park
Get buggered by an Oscar Wilde impersonator on a literary pub crawl
Accidentally burn down the Trinity College Library
Break an ankle trying to do an impression of Michael Flatley
Go on a hunger strike at Kilmainham Gaol
Get impaled on the Spire of Dublin, a.k.a. the Stiffy on the Liffey
Fan Mail: Miami
Thank you for that review of Ireland. We were thinking of going there for a 4 week holiday, but after you review of the place we are now looking for a more receptive place. We don't want to get caught up in some drunken sh*thole, as you have pointed out Dublin is.
Hahahaha Twilight prequel author. I still want to go to Dublin all the same!