Welcome to another edition of the Shit Holidays newsletter. This week, Shit Holidays and Shit Towns of Australia collide as we review Sydney.
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Sydney
A sprawling shitburbia spoiling a perfectly good harbour, Sydney is beset by a confusing layout, horrific traffic and ever-increasing property prices that mean the only people who can really afford to live there are crooked investment bankers, crooked politicians and the children of crooked media moguls.
The iconic landmarks of Australia’s largest city are the Sydney Opera House (which was designed by a Dane), Sydney Harbour Bridge (which was designed by Scots) and Bondi Beach (which was nicked from the natives). In addition to Bondi, Sydney boasts an abundance of beaches, which would be great if not for the fact that most of its residents spend the majority of their time either working to pay outsized rent or mortgages or stuck in seemingly endless traffic jams. If you do find five minutes to visit a beach, it will invariably be covered with pasty British backpackers sunbaking themselves to the colour of burnt bacon, Insta-idiots and TikTok twats scrapping to take the perfect selfie, surfer stereotypes shanking each other for the best waves, or flag-wearing rednecks staging a race riot.
Sydney’s nightlife was destroyed some years ago when the New South Wales Fun Police implemented lockout laws designed to curb Australia’s favourite nocturnal pastime: coward punching strangers while queuing for a dodgy kebab. Previously, the city’s premier party precinct/cesspool of sin was Kings Cross, named after an incident in which the King of England stayed in the suburb and became enraged when he was unable to visit his favourite strip club at 1:31 a.m. While the ludicrous lockout laws have since relented, ‘Sadney’ remains deader than a baby in a dingo’s den.
The most popular tourist activity in Sydney is to leave Sydney for the Blue Mountains, where visitors can see the Three Sisters, a famous trio of sandstone shafts. Incidentally, the Three Sisters is also something you can get in Kings Cross if you flash enough dollarydoos. The popular Bondi to Coogee coastal walk is a fun activity if you’re keen to case some flash houses or fall off a cliff. Or you could try whale watching, which involves forking out a fortune to cram into an overloaded seasickness machine alongside some suspiciously sweaty Japanese tourists to watch the obese shut-ins of the ocean loll about like a Penrith dad on dole day.
Sydney was founded as a prison — over two centuries later, not much has changed.
Sydney Facts
Population: 5.2 million (mostly wankers).
Founded: Unfortunately.
Currency: Dollarydoo.
Language: English, but louder and dumber.
Demonym: Cunt.
Also known as: Sydders, Sydneyside, Sadney, Shitney.
As seen in: The Matrix, in which Sydney effortlessly stood in for a nightmarish dystopian shithole.
Most famous resident: Russell Crowe, celebrity biffo artist and owner of a notoriously shit footy team.
Did you know? Sydney sucks.
Top 10 Things to Do in Sydney
Fall off the Harbour Bridge while taking a selfie
Piss on the Opera House
Get pickpocketed at Paddy’s Markets
Encounter a ‘Bondi cigar’ while taking a dip
Spend the day sitting in a traffic jam
Take out a million-dollar mortgage to buy a broom cupboard in Redfern
Climb Mount Druitt
Start a race riot
Root an entire NRL team
Go home at 1:30 a.m. when everything closes
Russell Crowe lives in Nana Glen - not far from the shittiest town on the planet - Coffs Harbour.
Raise your hand if you read this in an Aussie accent. 🙋♀️