Shit Holidays Newsletter #27
Prague
Welcome to another exciting edition of the Shit Holidays newsletter. This week, we Czech out Prague.
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Prague
Prague is one of Europe’s most popular tourist destinations, despite the fact that it is boring as batshit and no one can locate it on a map. The Czech capital’s premier attractions include a bridge, a road, a hill and a clock. While Prague also boasts a collection of castles to delight old people and giant nerds alike, one of the most striking buildings is the three-decades-young Dancing House, which disappointingly is not a strip club but rather a pair of melted office buildings. Just as the world’s most boring people insist on being called dumb nicknames, so too has Europe’s most boring city amassed a multitude of monikers throughout the years including ‘the Mother of Cities’, ‘the Golden City’, ‘the Heart of Europe’, ‘the City of a Hundred Spires’, ‘Budget Munich’, ‘Shit Paris’, ‘Home Brand Amsterdam’ and ‘Bohemian Crap City’.
As well as geriatrics and geeks, Prague is a magnet for perverts. The place is full of Russian prostitutes (which is weird because most European cities are full of Czech prostitutes). Along with cheap beer, this makes Prague a popular stag do destination, meaning it is often overrun with drunken British boofheads pissing, shitting and barfing on every bare surface. If Prague really is ‘the Mother of Cities’, then the father must be some feral joint like Bristol or Newcastle.
Prague was the site of the Velvet Revolution, which sounds like a sick dance party but was actually the non-violent transfer of power from the Communist Party of Czechoslovakia. One of the symbols of the Velvet Revolution was jingling keys to show support, which makes it sound less like a dance party and more like a low-rent orgy. The city is also renowned for the ‘Defenestrations of Prague’, a series of historical events in which political figures were tossed out of windows to their death. While in Prague, it’s best to stay on the ground floor if you don’t want to be murdered in the most hilarious way possible.
Prague Facts
Population: 1.3 million.
Founded: Circa 8th century.
Currency: Koruna, beer.
Language: Czech.
Demonym: Prazan.
Also known as: The Mother of Cities, the Golden City, the Heart of Europe, the City of a Hundred Spires, Alcohopolis, Budget Munich, Shit Paris, Poor Zurich, Boring Amsterdam, Every Backpacker’s Plan B, Bohemian Crap City.
As seen in: xXx, Vin Diesel’s unfortunate foray into the world of hardcore pornography.
Most famous resident: Franz Kafka, tubercular misfit and surrealist novelist with a penchant for anthropomorphic cockroaches.
Did you know? In 2018, a restorer painted all his mates into the artwork of the 600-year-old Prague astronomical clock. No one noticed for four years.
Top 10 Things to Do in Prague
Walk across the Charles Bridge
Walk back across the Charles Bridge
Ask for a lap dance at the Dancing House
Take a beer bath so you can smell like an authentic alcoholic
Take a piss off a bridge and try to hit a river boat
Get Eiffel Towered by a couple of Scottish perverts on a stag weekend
Buy a kidney at the Prague International Organ Festival
Catch ‘the Prague plague’ from a ‘Praguestitute’
Watch a council worker lop tourists’ padlocks off the Lovers’ Bridge and toss them in the river
Get shot by the John Lennon Wall
Damn that’s hilarious! I’ve been to Praha. I would need to remember this article the next time I go.