Shit Holidays Newsletter #28
Tokyo
Welcome to another edition of the official Shit Holidays newsletter. With Japan just announcing its reopening to tourists, this week we take a look at Tokyo.
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Tokyo
Tokyo is like your weird cousin who works in I.T. — he owns all the best gadgets and is obsessed with obscure cartoons but nobody is going to be surprised when he ends up on charges.
The capital of everyone’s favourite WWII runner-up, Tokyo is famous as a city where the past meets the future, which means it’s the only place in the world where you can find a robot geisha or an origami buttplug. While it does feature more traditional temples and gardens than you can shake a bō staff at, it’s best known to travellers as a glistening megalopolis jam-packed with gleaming skyscrapers, blaring neon billboards and the sort of cutting-edge fuck machines that will fulfil even the most depraved desires.
Tokyo has gone all-in on this innovation in perversion, resulting in everything from tentacle porn to vending machines that dispense soiled panties. It’s a popular destination for sexually frustrated Western males, whether melancholy middle-aged men trying to live out Lost in Translation, or dopey deviants who have spent far too long jacking off to anime looking for a compliant coquette to cosplay Sexy Pikachu with. Sexpats are made to feel more at home than ever by throngs of local perverts in business suits making a beeline for blowjob bars, and weirdly sexualised game shows where families can win a year’s groceries by guessing how many anal beads can fit inside a daschund.
Aside from getting stuck into some seriously shady sex stuff, the most popular pastime in Tokyo is working yourself to death. If that doesn’t work, there’s always Aokigahara, kamikaze or seppuku. Other popular activities include being dragged to your death by a ghost child that inhabits a haunted well, or stomped on by a giant monster.
One of Tokyo’s most iconic sights is Shibuya Crossing — a.k.a. Times Square on crack — making Japan one of the few places where a congested intersection is considered a tourist attraction. Other attractions include Tokyo Disneyland, and a blatant Eiffel Tower copy called the Tokyo Tower, the least original tourist attraction since Tokyo Disneyland. Tokyo is also famous for robot restaurants and animal cafes — if you’ve ever wanted to be served some sushi by a glorified iPad or slurp up some ramen while hanging out with a bunch of hedgehogs, then Tokyo is your place. But we all know you’re really here to fuck a robot.
Tokyo Facts
Population: 14 million.
Founded: 1869.
Currency: Pokémon.
Language: Japanese, butchered American clichés.
Demonym: Tokémon.
Also known as: Future Robot Apocalypse Ground Zero.
As seen in: Any number of Godzilla films in which an oversized irradiated reptile kicks down a bunch of buildings after being infuriated by Tokyo’s property prices.
Most famous resident: Professional weirdo Yoko Ono.
Did you know? A popular shopping strip in Tokyo is Takeshita Street. Other options include Doapissa Road and Havewanka Avenue.
Top 10 Things to Do in Tokyo
Watch two morbidly obese dudes in big nappies try to squash each other to death
Get nude with a bunch of strangers in a bathhouse
Peruse some futuristic fuck machines at Akihabara Electric Town
Eat some raw fish complete with parasitic worms
Taste some endangered sea mammal for scientific purposes
Get wrecked on sake in a karaoke bar
Pick a fight with a karate master
Crash a Mario Kart into a Sega store
Get deported for having tattoos
Try to bring back a samurai sword in your carry-on
Slurping up some ramen whilst hanging out with a bunch of hedgehogs is now on my bucket list.