Shit Holidays Newsletter #32
Glamping
Welcome to another issue of the Shit Holidays newsletter. This week, we’re loading up the X5 and going ‘glamping’!
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Glamping
‘Glamping’ takes two ordinary words - ‘glamorous’ and ‘camping’ - and smashes them together to make a single terrible idea. It takes an activity that nobody enjoys to start with and makes it pretentious and expensive. Glamping is a recurring reminder that not all portmanteaus are good ideas — just like mankinis, sharting and twincest.
Glamping purports to be camping with all the comfort and luxury of a hotel stay. In reality, glamping is a bit like waking up in a middle-aged white woman’s Instagram, complete with banal ‘inspirational’ quotes, high thread count linens and heavily filtered selfies designed to make ex-husbands have second thoughts. It’s not clear whether when the Mongols were tooling around the steppes they stopped to ponder ‘You know what would really make this yurt cosy? An aromatherapy diffuser.’
Ordinary camping is essentially cosplaying as a refugee for a week — mostly because after seven days of sleeping on a rapidly deflating air mattress, being attacked by a variety of ravenous insects and subsisting on a diet of charred sausages and lukewarm baked beans, going back to your shitty life in your shitty house is going to feel like you’ve won the lottery. The point is to strip away all the modern conveniences and endure a bit of hardship in order to get in touch with nature.
Glamping has decided that the only thing wrong with camping is its basic premise and thinks the best way to get in touch with nature is to sip prosecco in a clawfoot bathtub while bingeing full seasons of Below Deck on an iPad outside your wifi-enabled tepee. It’s ideal for the sort of affluent people who think they are too good to be uncomfortable — even when they are engaged in an activity that is designed to make them endure some temporary discomfort. In other words, glamping is camping for people who hate camping, which makes about as much sense as a solar-powered torch or a Catholic condom.
Top 10 Things to Do While Glamping
Experience the thrill of living like an unemployed hippie at hotel prices
Watch a show about nature on your iPad
Half-heartedly do downward-facing dog in yoga attire that costs more than a second-hand people mover
Take several thousand selfies for social media
Fill your yurt with farts
Realign your chakras
Bleach your anus
Fuck a scented candle
Take a good hard look at yourself
Book a hotel
Ex grey nomad.
And I agree totally+pompous, rude and selfish snobs.
Dislike kids, yet take their own pet zoo to drop shit everywhere, except their very own Personal Private Patch plus a good portion of next doors which they have annexed.
Most interested in everyone elses business while avoiding contact.
Women are sour and men are angry. Thank goodness for Alcohol
Yes indeed. Great stuff and 100% on point.