Shit Holidays Newsletter #8

Rome

Welcome to another Shit Holidays newsletter. This week we review Rome, and share some readers’ endorsements of Paris.

If you have mates who are keen to stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe

---

Rome

They say that Rome wasn’t built in a day, but these days it looks like it was. The Italian capital is comprised of crumbling modern buildings, ancient ruins that the native Romans have decided to embellish with stacks of garbage and incomprehensible graffiti, and chaotic roads filled with manic Vespa riders, lunatic taxi drivers and decrepit tour bus operators who treat the daily commute like a death sport.

As the cliché goes: ‘When in Rome, do as the Romans do’. Visitors who take this advice will spend their holiday perfecting their pickpocketing technique, engaging in a spot of political corruption or having knife fights with rival football supporters. The residents of Rome are known for their welcoming disposition, often greeting visitors by engaging in loud screaming matches in the street on a range of topics from disputes over a parking space to whether or not the Pope ever shits in his hat. Interestingly for a city of its size, Rome is also full of aggressive wildlife including rats, wild boar and Lazio fans. The only people more annoying than the locals are the hordes of tourists, mostly baffled Americans in Hawaiian shirts and fanny packs who have flown halfway around the world because they saw the Trevi Fountain in The Lizzie McGuire Movie.

Rome is famous for its cuisine — enjoy ordering a delicious slice of pizza from a glossy menu before being handed something that resembles a budget microwave jobbie and then trying to complain about it to an obstinate ‘restaurateur’ who now claims to know no English.

Rome is also home to the Vatican City, the world’s largest collection of paedophilia enthusiasts. The Vatican is also home to a priceless collection of art and artifacts including Renaissance masterpieces, Roman sculptures and even relics from ancient Egypt, an interesting decision for an organisation supposedly dedicated to the elimination of poverty in the world. It seems the Catholic Church would rather have a da Vinci hanging in the dunny than feed the starving masses. Visiting the Vatican consists of enduring a horrendously long queue to enter, forking out a small fortune for the privilege of having a surly security guard physically shove you through a series of rooms stuffed full of old crap while screaming ‘No photos!’, then queueing to leave.

They say that all roads lead to Rome. Fortunately, that means all roads lead out again. Take one.

---

Rome Facts

Population: 2.8 million.

Founded: 753 B.C., by two freaky twins on the site where they sucked off a wolf.

Currency: Euro.

Language: Shouting, wild gesticulation.

Also known as: The Eternal Shitty, The Infernal City, Crapital of the World.

As seen in: Angels & Demons, which was criticised by Catholic officials for being historically and scientifically inaccurate. Unlike The Bible.

Most famous resident: The Pope, an eccentric old man who spends all his time hanging out in his castle, wearing a dress and reciting magic spells like a ratshit Dumbledore.

---

Top 10 Things to Do in Rome

1. Spend all day in a queue outside a famous attraction

2. Clock the Italian food pyramid (pizza, pasta, gelato)

3. Confuse the Pantheon for the Parthenon

4. Get in a fight with an unemployed local dressed as a Roman soldier outside the Colosseum

5. Try to avoid eye contact with the phalanx of amputee beggars that line the streets

6. Act like an art expert when you don’t know your Caravaggio from your Carbonara

7. Crash a Vespa into an ancient monument

8. Ruin a priceless painting while searching for Da Vinci Code clues

9. Get stabbed for supporting the wrong football team

10. Toss a coin into the Trevi Fountain and wish you were on holiday somewhere else

---

Fan Mail: Paris