STOA Newsletter #1
Australia Day, Summer Bay
Here we go
Welcome to the inaugural edition of the official Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. This is our forum to write whatever we want about shit towns, without being censored by Facebook’s stupid rules and incompetent moderators. It’s also the only way to ensure you never miss an update, as Shitbook only shows each of our posts to a small percentage of our followers. In short: Facebook sucks, newsletter rules.
The typical edition of our newsletter will include the latest Shit Town Power Rankings and a brand new shit town review, plus assorted other stuff, all conveniently plopped into your inbox. This week’s shit town review is exclusive to our newsletter subscribers, and as a bonus we’ve reviewed a shit event too.
Feel free to tell your mates about this shit, particularly if they have the good sense not to use social media. They can subscribe at shittownsofaustralia.substack.com
Enjoy!
Rick & Geoff
Shit Event: Australia Day
If Bathurst is Bogan Christmas then Australia Day is Redneck Mardi Gras, the perfect excuse for hordes of gronks to imbibe enough alcohol to paralyse an elephant, discard their shirts, and drape themselves in their best Chinese-made Aussie flags to match the Southern Cross tattoos that they got in Bali. It’s the one day of the year when the whole country becomes Cronulla.
Australia is the only country that celebrates the day it was invaded, which is a bit like America hosting a Pearl Harbour Day pool party or France hosting any number of events for any number of invasions. Apparently, the most appropriate way to commemorate nicking an entire continent off its rightful owners is by ingesting copious amounts of badly barbecued meat and cheap piss before chundering it up again all over the stolen ground.
While particularly beloved by bogans, Australia Day is truly a day for all Australians - bogans get to be a bit racist, and wowsers with arts degrees get something to whinge about on Twitter before showing off their ‘wokeness’ by performing a Welcome to Country at their vegan barbecue in order to root a white girl with dreadlocks and hairy legs. Everybody wins!
If you’re in a major city, round out the day by watching a spectacular display of fireworks that will terrorise the native wildlife and quite possibly start a catastrophic bushfire. Aussie Aussie Aussie!
Shit Town: Summer Bay (Exclusive)
Nestled in NSW’s Mid North Coast, Summer Bay is the quintessential Aussie coastal town, featuring stunning white sand beaches, a painfully Caucasian population and an average IQ in the double digits. It also features other shit town staples such as shirtless surfer morons with suspiciously crap tattoos, a depressed economy and an old loon who shouts unsolicited advice in impenetrable slang that nobody has used since Gallipoli.
Locals can often be found hanging around the only three places in town where anything actually happens: the surf club, the café or the bait shop run by the aforementioned old loon. Residents of Summer Bay make up for this lack of local entertainment by rooting each other senseless. Luckily, Summer Bay features a suspiciously attractive population, something that is especially apparent when compared to the Morlocks and uggos that inhabit the likes of Yabbie Creek and Mangrove River. Interestingly, many of Summer Bay’s former residents often find themselves living in Hollywood or pesting around reality television shows in the hope that someone will subscribe to their OnlyFans page.
Contrary to its rather sunny appearance, Summer Bay has been the target of more catastrophes than an NRL team on a Mad Monday trip to Bali. Natural disasters include a flood, a mudslide, a caravan park explosion, a cyclone and even an earthquake. This doesn’t count the sheer number of human disasters that seem to inhabit the town including a raft of serial killers, sex pests and assorted drongos that live in town. Given the crime rate and the general level of calamity that befalls the average resident of Summer Bay, it’s a small wonder that anyone would want to live there.
Summer Bay’s reputation as a wedding destination has also taken a hit in recent years - most nuptials held there are seemingly overrun with deranged stalkers, irate exes and ghost dads. If you are considering getting hitched in Summer Bay, you are probably better off looking at Kabul if you want things to run smoothly.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Thornleigh, NSW - Man attacked with axe in road rage incident
Bendigo, VIC - Poo truck spills faecal matter all over intersection
Cranbourne West, VIC - Armed man holds up animal shelter, demands to see the cats
Berrigan, NSW - Woman shits in police car
Albury, NSW - Horny shopper wanks in front of supermarket employee
Brisbane, QLD - Woman snaps gronk shitting in neighbour’s yard
Kalgoorlie, WA - Stolen rubbish truck smashes into parked cars
Darwin, NT - Fishermen find naked fugitive living off snails
Perth, WA - Middle-aged man caught on CCTV drawing cocks and balls on the ground using his bike wheels
Port Pirie, SA - Testing of mussels finds 90 times permissible amount of lead; still shit
do you have merchandise with names of towns on it with some comedy as well
I don’t know what’s up with your shitometer but Frankston is shitter than all those towns combined. I once saw an old man shit in a keep-cup then throw it off the pier
And Brissie rulz…GO BRONCOS!!!!