Welcome to the 100th weekly Shit Towns of Australia newsletter! To mark our shit-tennary, we’re sharing our ‘How to Speak Australian’ guide online for the first time (it can’t be shared on Facebook due to Zuckerberg’s dumb rules).
Here’s to the next hundy!
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How to Speak Australian
Communicating with an Australian can be a challenging experience. Unlike other notoriously difficult to learn languages like Esperanto or Klingon, Australian doesn’t follow an easily discernible pattern. Below are a few simple words and phrases that will help you navigate your travels in the Lucky Country.
mate = friend
mate = enemy, villain
mate = lover
mate = complete stranger
cunt = friend
cunt = enemy, villain
cunt = lover
cunt = complete stranger
thongs = flip-flops
ice = meth
piss = beer
VB = piss
bowser = petrol pump
servo = petrol station
bottle-o = liquor store
traino = train station
arvo = afternoon
homo = homeowner
barney = fight
biffo = fight
stoush = fight
blue = fight
friendly chat = fight
strewth = ???
banter = racism
poofter = university graduate
glassing = Australian handshake
larrikin = person in need of serious psychiatric help
un-Australian = Aboriginal, immigrant or woman
I go for Collingwood = my parents are related
AFL is the best code = sometimes I just need to feel another man’s strength inside me
I vote for One Nation = I sat too close to the microwave as a child
if they are genuine refugees they should follow the rules = I have an inverted penis
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town: Ulverstone
Ulverstone is located midway between the Apple Isle’s entry point of Devonport and the shithole of Burnie, making it Tasmania’s taint. While no one is sure how the town got its name, it seems that, like a plethora of other Aussie shit towns, it was likely named after a similarly punishing dump in England. The Tasmanian version has lived up to the example set by its Pommy predecessor by maintaining a 200-year unbroken streak of rampant mediocrity.
‘Vulvastone’ originally rose to prominence with loggers denuding the area in order to provide timber for the Victorian gold rush. Once the settlers were done despoiling the earth they turned the whole thing into a giant potato farm in order to satisfy the local Irish population’s insatiable spud lust.
A popular activity is taking a cruise up the Leven River, which is a great idea if you ever wanted to experience a colonoscopy from the perspective of the probe. Other popular pastimes of Ulverstoners include pub brawls, punting fairy penguins and massive amounts of incest.
One of Ulverstone’s premier attractions is the Gunns Plains Caves, a vast network of underground caverns that were allegedly discovered when a possum fell through a hole in the ground (or at least that’s what the guy who was trying to do God-knows-what to a possum told everyone). After spending any length of time in ‘Hole-verstone’, dying a suffocating death somewhere dark and claustrophobic might seem like a good idea.
From our book Sh*t Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Toowoomba, QLD — Teenage girl charged after 2 people shot in public on Valentine’s Day
Hobart, TAS — Kid attacks other kid with meat cleaver at shopping centre; cops hunt 15-year-old alleged armed robber
Mandurah, WA — Woman allegedly whacks bar manager with shoe and repeatedly rams venue with Mustang after being rejected at Valentine’s Day singles night
Burpengary, QLD — Gronk dressed as knight chases kids with pocket knife
New Norfolk, TAS — High school removes toilets and doors to combat smoking and vaping
Gold Coast, QLD — Elderly woman charged after allegedly punching fellow plane passenger and biting flight attendant; snake crawls out of other snake’s mouth
Townsville, QLD — Gronk tasered in supermarket after allegedly assaulting cops; six 4WDs found bogged in nature reserve
Sydney, NSW — Couple caught dry-humping on train on Valentine’s Day; 3 horses run amok through main roads
Perth, WA — Post Malone denied entry to bar due to shit tattoos
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Thanks for the laughs