STOA Newsletter #117
Gympie Monopoly!
Welcome to another issue of the official Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
The makers of Monopoly have just announced a Gympie version — maybe they can get a few tips from our Gympie review for their gimpy game. That’s in this newsletter, along with the weekly shower of shitfuckery that is the Power Rankings.
If you have mates who are keen to vote in our polls (coming soon) or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Gympie
Originally named Nashville due to all the incest, Gympie took its current name not from BDSM enthusiasts or cripples, as one might assume, but from the world’s most horrible plant. The gympie is a stinging tree covered in toxic needles, also known as the stinging brush or the suicide plant. Legend has it that an Australian World War II soldier shot himself after inadvertently using a gympie leaf as toilet paper. Like its botanic namesake, the town of Gympie is also dangerous, covered in needles and smeared with faeces.
The Queensland craphole owes its existence to the discovery of gold in the local area, which saw the town swiftly filled with the sort of reprobates who would travel the world to stand in bollocks-deep water trying to find a shiny nugget just so they wouldn’t have to find a real job. The gold rush also marked the only time in history that anyone has ever been excited to visit Gympie. Consequently, Gympie is known as ‘the town that saved Queensland’, so we have them to thank for maroon-clad morons pissed up on XXXX king-hitting strangers while yelling ‘Queenslander!’.
Like most places in Australia not sophisticated enough for a heroin problem, Gympie is a deadset mecca for meth. In fact, it’s a little-known fact that the town’s name is an acronym for ‘Grab Ya Meth Pipe, Ice Everywhere!’. Gympanzees are also famously partial to a bit of cannabis, hooning, burglary, racism and putting people through woodchippers. The town’s reputation for crime is so widespread that it has become known as ‘Helltown’ (though in true Gympie style, this term was coined by a convicted paedophile writing in a porno mag).
Gymphole has a range of visitor attractions, all of which are shit. The Mary Valley Rattler is an inefficient old tourist train that gives a great view of rubbish tips and car wrecker’s yards and is also the name of a violent lovemaking manoeuvre. The Gympie Pyramid is a terraced hill touted by the intellectually challenged as evidence of ancient Egyptian/Aztec/alien colonisation and is also the name of a violent lovemaking manoeuvre. The Big Pineapple was demolished in 2008 when authorities realised that no one in Gympie eats fruit and was replaced by Australia’s only giant revolving KFC bucket. Enjoying a trip to Gympie is about as likely as Pauline Hanson opening a kebab shop.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, available in stores and online.
Top 10 Things to Do in Gympie
Set your watch back 30 years
Get a Cleveland Steamer on the Valley Rattler
Fall down an abandoned mine shaft
Fossick for meth
Get in a shirtless brawl at the dine-in Pizza Hut
Write a bluegrass love song for your sister
Visit the Nestlé coffee factory next door to the sewage plant
Get a six-fingered handy at the Music Muster
Draw a cock and balls on a heritage-listed rotunda
Try to block out the smell
Shit Town Power Rankings
Port Lincoln, SA — Gang of 12-year-old psychos kick kitten to death in public
Claremont, TAS — 15-year-old attacks Woolies staff with axe to steal trolley of drinks
Logan, QLD — Men shot in face and arm while sitting in car
Smithton, TAS — ‘Dead body’ in bush turns out to be discarded sex doll
Daintree, QLD — Croc-killing maniac on the loose
Walkerston, QLD — Woman assaults boyfriend’s mum for stealing her weed and tampons
Adelaide, SA — Feral teenage girl punches, hurls drinks at and spits on Macca’s staff
Gold Coast, QLD — Dipshit teen car thieves livestream their own arrest
Rockhampton, QLD — Woman complains to police about quality of weed she bought outside servo
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit