Welcome to the dozenth edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter, Australia's favourite weekly shit-town-themed electronic mail!
This week: After Burnie utterly shit the bed over our write-up of their shit town, we decided to return to Tasmania's north-west to review Ulverstone. We also revisit the mysterious town of Tuggabugga which looks suspiciously like Namibia, and as always, hit you with some power rankings.
Don't miss next week's newsletter to vote for Adelaide's Shittest Suburb. Based on your nominations so far on Facebook, it looks like it could be a two-horse race!
Shit Town: Ulverstone
Ulverstone is located midway between Tasmania’s entry point of Devonport and the shithole of Burnie, making it Tasmania’s taint. While no one is sure how the town got its name, it seems that, like a plethora of other Aussie shit towns, it was likely named after a similarly punishing dump in England. The Tasmanian version has lived up to the example set by its Pommy predecessor by maintaining a 200-year unbroken streak of rampant mediocrity.
Ulverstone originally rose to prominence with loggers denuding the area in order to provide timber for the Victorian gold rush. Once the settlers were done despoiling the earth they turned the whole thing into a giant potato farm in order to satisfy the local Irish population’s insatiable spud lust.
A popular activity is taking a cruise up the Leven River, which is a great idea if you ever wanted to experience a colonoscopy from the perspective of the probe. Other popular pastimes of Ulverstoners include getting blind drunk, punting fairy penguins and massive amounts of incest.
One of Ulverstone’s premier attractions is the Gunns Plains Caves, a vast network of underground caverns that were allegedly discovered when a possum fell through a hole in the ground (or at least that’s what the guy who was trying to do God-knows-what to a possum told everyone). After spending any length of time in Ulverstone, dying a suffocating death somewhere dark and claustrophobic might seem like a good idea.
Throwback: Tuggabugga
Tuggabugga is known mainly for three things: incest, religious extremism and toxic industrial waste, making it more Australian than a kangaroo doing it up the wrong ’un while singing ‘Flame Trees’ and doing a shoey of Tooheys New. Filled with three-legged dogs, petrol-sniffing toddlers and inbred dole bludgers, this is a place so backwards that babies eat dingoes.
The town was founded by a radical sect of Anglicans after they were ostracised from society when their leader wrote a new version of the Bible that emphasised itchy undergarments and camel marriage. It was then populated by convicts who were exiled from convict colonies for reoffending, making Tuggabugga the country’s only convict colony convict colony. The small community has bred exclusively within itself for generations, resulting in a gene pool so shallow that it’s more of a gene puddle.
Tuggabugga is home to Australia’s largest open-cast glitter mine (known locally as ‘the Old Axe Wound’), responsible for producing 50 per cent of the world’s glitter. Glitter from the mine has been used to make a range of products, from the disco balls in the Sydney Opera House to Shane Warne’s personal supply of zinc to all the titty glitter that gave the Gold Coast its ‘Glitter Strip’ nickname. An unfortunate side effect of this once prosperous industry, Tuggabugga is now covered in a thin layer of shiny shit so toxic that the townsfolk wish it was asbestos. Many residents are afflicted with sparkly lung, a fatal disease that sees sufferers coughing up delightful rainbows of metastasised lung tissue.
Aside from the glitter mine, Tuggabugga’s main tourist attractions are the Big Dingleberry and the Ear Wax Museum, both conveniently located on the town’s main (and only) road. Another favourite feature is the statue of local celebrity Graeme, Australia’s first donkey mayor, who held office for a staggering 30 years barring a six-month suspension for corruption after he ate several sensitive documents.
Despite its inhabitants, atmosphere and distinct smell, Tuggabugga’s sparkly facade and over three attractions make it well worth a trip. In fact, it’s probably the only town in this book worth visiting.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Kalkallo, VIC — Apparent GTA enthusiast arrested after allegedly stabbing and running over his brother then fleeing cops, crashing car, stealing police car, crashing police car
Geraldton, WA — German tourist breaks neck in hit-and-run
Perth, WA — Deadshit kids bash man because he wouldn’t let them ride on his mobility scooter
Townsville, QLD — Good Samaritan hit by car while running after bag snatcher; naked bloke seen wandering down busy road
Port Pirie, SA — Drunk driver 7 times over limit crashes into drive-thru bottle shop; still shit
Tullah, TAS — Dunny rustlers steal portable toilet from roadworks site
Fremantle, WA — Gronks celebrate Easter with mass mixed-gender kebab shop brawl
Parramatta, NSW — Two Eels fans punch on at NRL match
Adelaide, SA — Mad gronk filmed reading book while driving
Bathurst, NSW — Woman filmed pissing in shopping centre entrance