STOA Newsletter #121
Welcome to another issue of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. This week, the search for Australia’s grossest grub continues, plus we have another shit town review and your weekly power rankings. Read on!
Australia’s Shittest Regional Food
After the completion of Round 1, these are the 8 atrocities still in the running to be crowned Australia’s Shittest Regional Food:
Round 1 Results
Pie floater 57.4% — scallop pie 42.6%
Dagwood dog 60% — Chiko Roll 40%
Halal snack pack 52% — dim sim 48%
Florrie 95.7% — chicken parmi 4.3%
Cheese slaw 70.7% — Port Pirie cheeseburger 29.3%
Smiley fritz 95.7% — Anzac biscuit 4.3%
Balfours frog cake 80% — snot block 20%
Fairy bread 80.3% — meth 19.7%
The voting form for the Quarter-Finals will go out as a special newsletter tomorrow (Tuesday 18 July). Assuming you’re already on the mailing list, keep an eye on your inbox!
If you have mates who will want in on this, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Rockhampton
Reluctantly settled by a bunch of stranded miners, Rockhampton soon became known as ‘The City of the Three S’s’ (sin, sweat and sorrow). The slogan survives to this day, except now it stands for slobs, steers and semen.
The city is also known as the ‘Beef Capital of Australia’, a reference to its plethora of fast-food outlets and morbidly obese population. Rocking ‘Rocky tuxedos’ (extra-wide jeans and XXXL flannos), Rockhampton’s blubbery bogans are celebrated by a giant sculpture of a dugong and seven Big Bull statues. Sadly, the bulls have all had steel rods rammed through their nut sacks in an effort to end the local tradition of getting blind drunk on shit beer at a leagues club and nicking a Big Bull’s balls. Rockhampton capitalises on its Beef Capital moniker by selling overpriced supermarket steaks to gullible tourists who couldn’t tell a Scotch fillet from a Scotch egg.
Shoved 40 kilometres up the Fitzroy River, Rockhampton is also known for its unbearably humid climate, giving it its third nickname, ‘Australia’s Sweaty Armpit’. In summer, the oppressive humidity combines with the dank stench of the river to create a truly revolting miasma. The city gets so hot that taking a dip in a crocodile-infested swimming hole seems like a good idea.
Even the city’s streetlights agree that the city is a horror show, clearly spelling out ‘HELL’ when viewed from atop Mount Archer. A little-known fact is that town planners were actually trying to write ‘HELP’, in a desperate plea to passing aircraft to rescue them from living in Rockhampton.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Kununurra, WA — More than 80 gronks stage epic 12-hour brawl
Mornington, VIC — 15-year-old maniac accused of assaulting elderly woman in her home while out on bail
Broome, WA — Shit humans shoot dog with arrow
Perth, WA — Shit human accused of throwing her dog from 2-storey car park
Echuca, VIC — STI testing vending machine installed due to soaring rates of gonorrhoea and syphilis
Sunshine Coast, QLD — 10 cars crash and 11 people injured after drongo runs across highway
Gold Coast, QLD — Cop who shot criminal in the nutsack sues state government for failing to properly train her
Melbourne, VIC — Arsonist sets self on fire while torching supermarket
Hobart, TAS — Gronks steal 5-metre fibreglass chainsaw from shop roof
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit