STOA Newsletter #130
SA's Shittest Town Revealed
Congratulations to Adelaide on being voted South Australia’s Shittest Town for 2023 by the slimmest of margins! Adelaide will go on to represent the Croweaters in the national finals later this year.
This is Adelaide’s first state win, following three straight titles for Port Pirie (2020-22) and one for Mount Gambier (2019).
Here are the final standings:
Adelaide: 21.1%
Port Pirie: 21%
Elizabeth: 11%
Port Augusta: 9.7%
Snowtown: 9.3%
Whyalla: 5.4%
Davoren Park: 5%
Murray Bridge: 4.9%
Coober Pedy: 4.3%
Mount Gambier: 3.5%
Mount Barker: 2.3%
Port Lincoln: 2.3%
Don’t miss next week’s STOA newsletter to vote for Western Australia’s Shittest Town! If you know any Sandgropers who will want in on this vote, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Adelaide
Adelaide is known as the ‘City of Churches, Pubs and Serial Killers’. The city’s roll of gory crimes includes a series of gruesome murders committed by a shadowy cabal of paedophiles, a series of gruesome murders committed by a bunch of drongos on the dole, and Jimmy Barnes’s musical career. Despite its delusions of cityhood, South Australia’s capital is essentially an overgrown country town complete with high unemployment, shit public transport, shops only opening for a few hours per weekday, undrinkable drinking water, rampant racism and an almost Tasmanian level of cousin-fucking. Adelaide is populated by an array of junkies, thugs and gronks, as any Adelaideans resembling normal humans waste no time in moving to Melbourne or Sydney.
Adelaide is a favourite spot for the federal government to house its expensive fuck-ups, including a submarine fleet that had difficulty submerging and an expensive desalination plant that does fuck-all. The city’s most cherished invention is the Hills hoist, which is a type of clothesline that was originally dreamed up as a mechanism for tanning the hides of flayed hitchhikers. Farmers Union Iced Coffee is considered a local delicacy and has been known to outsell Coca-Cola in Adelaide, despite the fact that it tastes like an ashtray full of Nescafé.
Adelaide Zoo is proudly home to Australia’s only pandas. This pride is somewhat mitigated by the fact that in true South Australian fashion the pandas refuse to mate, dedicating their days to the standard Adelaide pursuits of getting on the goon and going late-night shopping at Westfield Marion. Another hot shopping spot is Rundle Mall, a classy establishment adorned with statues of pigs rummaging through bins and a pair of giant gonads known as ‘the Mall’s Balls’.
Very few tourists ever visit Adelaide intentionally, with the largest number of visitors citing ‘got shitfaced on a stag and my mates thought it would be funny to put me on a plane’ as their reason for travelling.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Port Pirie is Still Shit
It may have lost its title as South Australia’s Shittest Town, but we can assure you Port Pirie is most definitely still shit, as evidenced by our range of ‘Port Pirie: Still Shit’ merch.
Incidentally, the merch provider we use has just added new fulfillers to print Baseball Caps, Dad Hats and Bucket Hats for customers in Australia and New Zealand, which means reduced shipping costs and faster delivery times — so now is the perfect time to grab a derogatory lid for your bonce just in time for spring.
Check out our Pirie merch here.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Toowoomba, QLD — Man set on fire by car thieves
Greenvale, QLD — Landlord set on fire by tenant after evicting him
Sydney, NSW — Man ambushed, stabbed and mugged after meeting woman for a date; multimillionaire property developer calls for rise in unemployment to teach the peasants a lesson
Gold Coast, QLD — Moron fined for wanking fake cock in front of woman; pest caught on cam wanking real cock in women’s public toilet while using dildo attached to wall
Adelaide, SA — Couple caught fucking on public train; gronk caught drink-driving stolen scissor lift through CBD; hoon chased down by postie after doing burnouts in park
Glenorchy, TAS — Teen allegedly stabs other teen with scissors in broad daylight
Chigwell, TAS — Drongo arrested after breaking into police station, hospitalised from injuries
Mandurah, WA — Gronk allegedly leaves toddler in car while he digs up meth and runs from cops
Townsville, QLD — Bin chickens turn pink after school dumps colouring in watering hole
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit