STOA Newsletter #132
WA's Shittest Town Revealed
Congratulations to Kununurra on being voted Western Australia’s Shittest Town for 2023! Kununurra will go on to represent the Sandgropers in the national finals later this year.
This is Kununurra’s first state win, following one for Port Hedland (2022) and three in a row for Kalgoorlie (2019-21).
Here are the final standings:
Kununurra: 12.2%
Port Hedland: 12%
Rockingham: 9.5%
Fitzroy Crossing: 9.5%
Kalgoorlie-Boulder: 9.5%
Armadale: 8%
Mandurah: 6.9%
Halls Creek: 6.6%
Perth: 5.3%
Geraldton: 4.5%
Broome: 4.4%
Busselton: 3.9%
Albany: 3.2%
Bindoon: 2.3%
Esperance: 2.2%
Don’t miss next week’s STOA newsletter to vote for the ACT’s Shittest Town! (For the ACT, we will pit Canberra against some of its shittier suburbs and satellites.) If you have any mates who will want in on this vote, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Event: Bathurst 1000
Held at the Mount Panorama Circuit in the eponymous shit town and commonly known as Bogan Christmas, the Bathurst 1000 is an annual orgy of car carnage that sees vast hordes of mechanophiles drink-drive from as far afield as Logan, Geelong and Penrith for a long weekend of cheering on their favourite international automobile manufacturing conglomerate. The options are Holden or Ford, and you must choose one. You don’t need to know why—you just need to buy a decal of Calvin pissing on whichever one you didn’t pick.
In an effort to reduce the booze-fuelled anarchy, authorities have imposed a limit of one box of grog per drongo per day, barely enough to keep the average Australian male awake. Enterprising yobbos have taken to burying crates of VB months prior to the Great Race and digging them up on the big day in the most bogan treasure hunt possible. Popular side events include blowing up toilet blocks, firebombing ice-cream trucks, and beating up people who like the wrong type of car.
Traditionally dominated by the intense rivalry between Ford and Holden, Bathurst is set to plummet in cultural significance due to the latter’s demise. Holden will be replaced for the 2023 edition by Chevrolet, a brand with about as much relevance to Australians as the concept of shame or the phrase ‘drinking in moderation’. It remains to be seen if the event’s celebrated ‘Hunger Games for hillbillies’ vibe will survive the setback.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Darwin, NT — Croc expert revealed as serial dog rapist and rock spider
Toowoomba, QLD — Pair of gronkettes charged after man set on fire outside pub
Frankston, VIC — Hooligan runs over man in road rage attack before returning to abuse bleeding victim
Portland, VIC — Woman pleads guilty to stabbing man while live-streaming on Facebook over $10 drug debt
Dubbo, NSW — Gronks pelt broken-down fire truck with rocks
Townsville, QLD — Teen charged after allegedly stabbing taxi driver; couch surfing host accused of filming 124 houseguests showering; Gandhi lookalike wearing only towel steals wheelbarrow
Hobart, TAS — Mum and 17-year-old daughter have cars seized after being caught racing each other on highway
Cairns, QLD — Stolen hatchback full of syringes and sex toys crashes into truck before occupants steal car of couple who stopped to help
Wodonga, VIC — Hammer-wielding man in pink dress arrested after allegedly robbing teen
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
The dog raping rock spider? Feed him to the crocs, he's some sort expert, he can further science by seeing, in person, what goes on inside a 15 foot mud goanna. Prick.