STOA Newsletter #138
Queensland's Shittest Town Revealed
Congratulations to Toowoomba on being voted Queensland’s Shittest Town for 2023, beating Townsville by a margin of less than 0.1%! T-Bar will go on to represent Queensland in the national finals later this year.
This is Toowoomba’s first state win. They will be one to watch in the finals, as the Sunshine State has shat out the past four national winners (Logan/Logan/Townsville/Townsville).
Here are the final standings:
Toowoomba: 16.4%
Townsville: 16.4%
Logan: 13.3%
Gold Coast: 6.6%
Caboolture: 5%
Ipswich: 4.8%
Gympie: 4.2%
Mount Isa: 3.8%
Rockhampton: 3.6%
Noosa: 3.1%
Inala: 2.9%
Deception Bay: 2.8%
Morayfield: 2.8%
Bundaberg: 2.5%
Brisbane: 2.4%
Mackay: 2.4%
Cairns: 2.2%
Dalby: 2.1%
Ingham: 1.5%
Sarina: 1.2%
Don’t miss next week’s STOA newsletter to vote for New South Wales’ Shittest Town! If you have any mates who will want in on this vote, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Toowoomba
Few people actually know where Toowoomba is and even fewer have ever been there. The regional city was strategically placed just close enough to Brisbane for Brisbanites to dump their unwanted elderly but far enough away that they don’t have to visit them. Consequently, Toowoomba is full of xenophobic old people and stuffy God-botherers who are less into beaches and bitches and more about gardens and golliwogs.
Toowoomba’s name is derived from the fact that widespread incest has resulted in large numbers of local women sporting multiple sets of genitals (or ‘two wombs’). Popular alternative names include ‘Double Douchehole’ and ‘Multi Minge’. People from Toowoomba are officially known as Toowoombarbarians, Toowoombastards or Toowoompaloompas.
As well as being a gulag for geriatrics, Toowoomba is known as ‘The Garden City’ because a few patches of manicured scrub are the closest thing it has to a point of interest. The highlight of the city’s calendar is the annual Carnival of Flowers, when nannas from across the nation take time out from knitting things no one will ever wear, spouting nonsense on talkback radio and soiling themselves to pore over plants’ private parts. Due in part to excessive gardening, Toowoomba is rapidly running out of water, which will come as a relief to most residents considering how it tastes.
Disturbingly, gentrification has begun turning Toowoomba into the Melbourne of Queensland, with graffitied laneways, scungy alley cafes and moustachioed vegans popping up with increasing frequency. The city is being invaded by so much diversity that long-time Toowoompaloompas are struggling to know who to fear anymore. The only certainty is that Toowoomba will always find a way to stay shit.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Brisbane, QLD — Gronkette allegedly steals car with baby inside; elderly couple caught on camera keying luxury cars in shopping centre car park
Broome, WA — Arseholes kill puppy during violent burglary
Townsville, QLD — Mongrels hijack car with family’s dog inside; drunk gronk threatens to stab hospital staff with scissors
Clarendon Vale, TAS — Man charged after allegedly ramming several mobile speed cameras, while driving disqualified, after ramming local police station
Hobart, TAS — Creep steals ashes from cemetery; city named Australia’s capital for MDMA, cannabis, nicotine, oxycodone and fentanyl use
Devonport, TAS — Police find $5m worth of meth and coke in ferry passenger’s car boot
Canberra, ACT — Woman runs after plane on tarmac after missing her flight
Gold Coast, QLD — Teen thieves caught after taking stolen car to car wash
Zeehan, TAS — Gronk arrested for illegal fireworks show, before being arrested again in the morning for continuing to light crackers
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit