Congratulations to Elizabeth on being voted Adelaide’s Shittest Suburb in a landslide! Elizabeth will represent South Australia in the poll for Australia’s Shittest Suburb later in the year. Here are the final results:
Elizabeth: 31%
Davoren Park: 15%
Christie Downs: 9%
Salisbury: 9%
Burnside: 9%
Hackham West: 6%
Hackham: 6%
Smithfield: 6%
Mansfield Park: 5%
Munno Para: 4%
To mark the win, we’ve reviewed Elizabeth in this newsletter.
Don’t miss next week’s newsletter to vote for South Australia’s Shittest Town! Will Port Pirie defend the brown crown or will a new challenger emerge? If you know anyone who’d want in on this vote, get them to sign up at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Suburb: Elizabeth
A planned satellite slum in the far northern reaches of Adelaide, Elizabeth is essentially Adelaide’s Logan, Penrith or Werribee. Due to a restraining order taken out by Adelaide, Elizabeth must stay at least 25 kilometres from the CBD at all times.
Despite being swallowed by the new City of Playford in 1997, the former city of Elizabeth—now a loose conurbation of suburbs—maintains a cultural distinction based on a proud tradition of unfiltered antisocial boganness. Suburbs considered part of the informal Elizabeth area include Elizabeth, Elizabeth North, Elizabeth East, Elizabeth South, not Elizabeth West, Elizabeth Park, Elizabeth Grove, Elizabeth Vale, Elizabeth Taylor, Elizabeth Smart, Queen Elizabeth II and Elizabeth Báthory.
Elizabeth is Australia’s version of Detroit in that it’s known for an automobile manufacturing industry that no longer exists, and like Detroit it is now a desolate wasteland with a 100 per cent unemployment rate. The entire Elizabeth area is dotted with abandoned overgrown lots covered with car corpses, mattresses and old couches, which are surrounded by blocks of decaying units and thriving meth labs. Without gainful employment to distract them, ‘Lizbeff’ locals are free to devote themselves to hobbies such as drinking, drugs, fighting in the street, beating up bus drivers, stabbing people on the train, ransacking construction sites, stealing the wheels off cars, stealing cars off their wheels, robbing people’s houses while they’re out, and robbing people’s houses while they’re home. If you aren’t being assaulted by a dole bludger, choking on burnout fumes or wading through a torrent of used syringes, you’re probably squeezing past the Holden SS Ute that has ploughed into your living room.
It’s no mean feat to be the worst part of Adelaide, a city famous for serial killers and paedophiles, but Elizabeth has nailed it.
Throwback: Launceston
It’s well established that large numbers of Tasmanians are descended from the worst convicts exiled to Australia, so they have a frightening tendency towards cannibalism, incest and being Ricky Ponting. Nowhere are these three crimes against humanity better exemplified than the island state’s secondary city, Launceston.
Launceston is best known as the home town of two of Australia’s most celebrated cricketers: the aforementioned Ponting, a.k.a. Mr Magoo with 1970s Lego-man hair, and human fire hydrant David Boon. Both have represented their town impeccably on the world stage, Boon by once smashing 52 tins on a flight from Sydney to London—a feat which saw him awarded the coveted Australian of the Year Award—and Ponting by being one quarter wombat and famously getting beaten up by a transvestite.
Launceston is home to the world’s longest single span chairlift, which was originally constructed as an escape route from frequent flooding. It was also the site of the first use of anaesthetic in the Southern Hemisphere, which was developed to numb the pain of living in Launceston. The city’s premier attraction is a colony of herpes B–riddled Japanese macaque monkeys that bizarrely live in an enclosure in City Park, making it one of the world’s best places to catch a potentially fatal STI from a monkey. Another tourist drawcard is the Old Umbrella Shop, a rare example of an intact early twentieth-century store, complete with golliwogs in the window. Other than buying racist toys, popular pastimes in Launceston include trying to figure out how to pronounce the city’s name and playing a stupid sport called vigoro, the inbred bastard child of cricket and tennis.
There’s no shame in coming second, unless it’s coming second to Hobart.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Townsville, QLD — Gronk steals two cars and uniforms from RAAF base then tries to re-enter in stolen car using stolen ID; woman jailed after hitting man with tennis racquet then spitting at cops; gronk threatens to bash his grandma because she only gave him $4 for grog
Caboolture, QLD — Gronk charged with attempted murder after repeatedly running over woman during backyard burnout
Albury, NSW — 13-year-old girl gets probation for stealing man’s weed stash while high on E and heroin as her friend tried to stab him with scissors
Darwin, NT — Machete-wielding teens rob sex shop
Broadmeadows, VIC — Gronk appears in court for trying to steal Big Mac at knifepoint
Adelaide, SA — Local muppets steal Big Bird costume from Sesame Street Circus
Ipswich, QLD — Filthy bloke in undies pops out of manhole in middle of busy road
Logan, QLD — Chicken guts explode all over highway during truck crash
Canberra, ACT — Weirdo leaves creepy note in letter boxes seeking someone to impregnate*
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
*Police have released the following identikit sketch of the suspect in #9:
See you next week!