STOA Newsletter #140
NSW's Shittest Town Revealed
Congratulations to Blacktown on being voted New South Wales’ Shittest Town for 2023! Cracktown will join Adelaide, Capital Hill, Darwin, Glen Waverley, Launceston, Kununurra and Toowoomba in the national grand final next week, when the eight shitty cities, suburbs and towns will face off for the prestigious title of Shit Town of the Year.
This is Blacktown’s second state win after 2020, following brown medals for Mount Druitt (2022), Byron Bay (2021) and Dubbo (2019).
Here are the final standings:
Blacktown: 14.5%
Mount Druitt: 11.3%
Byron Bay: 8.3%
Nimbin: 4.5%
Sydney: 4.5%
Cessnock: 3.6%
Kempsey: 3.4%
Cronulla: 3.2%
Queanbeyan: 3.2%
Campbelltown: 3%
Dubbo: 2.9%
Albury: 2.7%
Wyong: 2.7%
Bondi: 2.7%
Grafton: 2.7%
Wagga Wagga: 2.5%
Penrith: 2.3%
Broken Hill: 2.3%
Tamworth: 2.2%
Deniliquin: 2%
Newcastle: 2%
Nowra: 1.9%
Bathurst: 1.7%
Parramatta: 1.7%
Orange: 1.7%
Wollongong: 1.6%
Goulburn: 1.4%
Cowra: 1.2%
Lake Illawarra: 1.2%
Cooma: 1.1%
Don’t miss next week’s STOA newsletter to vote for Australia’s Shit Town of the Year for 2023! If you have any mates who will want in on this vote, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
New Zealand’s Shittest Town
The Shit Town of the Year vote isn’t exclusive to Australia — those weird islands east of Tasmania are also holding their most important election of the year. The NZ polls are open now.
Vote here.
Shit Town: City of Blacktown
Sporting a racist name, an abundance of empty schools and hordes of housos, the City of Blacktown is a veritable smorgasbord of shit. The Western Sydney LGA is crammed with crap suburbs including Mount Druitt (commonly called Mount Druggitt), Shalvey (Shankvey), Doonside (Goonside) and Rooty Hill (Shagger’s Ridge, Humpy Hump or Fucky Mound). Thanks to its rougher bits—locally referred to in hushed tones as ‘the areas’—Blacktown is Australia’s murder, gun crime and ‘fleeing the cops on a stolen unregistered dirt bike’ capital. Blacktown’s rugby league team is called the Workers, which is ironic because no one there has a job. Aside from unemployment, the most popular occupations in ‘Slacktown’ are trying to crack the NRL (even though you are 32), working on your mixtape and stealing each other’s stuff. On the plus side, housing in Blacktown is cheap by Sydney standards because no one wants to live there.
Of all the lumps that make up the Blacktown turd, the worst is objectively Mount Druitt. Despite its name, Mount Druitt is not a mountain, adding false advertising to its long list of common local crimes that also includes urban warfare, wanton vandalism and having a rat’s tail. Mount Druitt is actually a hole, which is the opposite of a mountain.
‘Mounty County’ is also the proud hometown of OneFour, a try-hard gangsta rap group so shit they were banned from touring in Australia. OneFour are popular with people who consider hoodies formal attire, punching strangers a fun activity and a slab of Woodstock breakfast.
There have been several attempts to rename Blacktown something less overtly racist, but despite the suggestion of several fitting alternatives—Cracktown, Gronkville, Sydney’s Anus—the efforts failed as the majority of residents are illiterate and couldn’t spell any of the proposed names.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Alice Springs, NT — Trio of feral 11-13-year-olds allegedly assault 80-year-old woman in her own home; ram-raiders escape after pelting cops with rocks
Bundaberg, QLD — Gronk stabs his uncle and bites off tip of his finger for shit-talking his gender transition
Karratha, WA — Severed horse’s head left on car bonnet
Nambucca Heads, NSW — Drunk gronk tries to get to Coffs Harbour by stowing away in truck’s undercarriage, ends up 400km away in Queensland
Launceston, TAS — Council fines local for closing road for Christmas lights display; gronk flees cops in stolen boat
Gold Coast, QLD — Angry wife threatens to protest outside brothel after her husband blew $6000 on 7-hour fuck-fest
Melbourne, VIC — US rock band’s Aussie tour cancelled after band members brawl on stage during gig
Albury, NSW — Town erects giant turd-like log sculpture
Charters Towers, QLD — Man charged after pet cassowary bites Mormon door knocker
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit