STOA Newsletter #141
Vote for Shit Town of the Year!
Welcome to another Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
As we near the end of yet another shitty year, it’s time to vote for the one shit town that out-shat them all in 2023. The winners of the eight state and territory polls will face off in this newsletter for the prestigious brown crown. Who will be your Shit Town of the Year? Scroll to the end of this email to vote!
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Shit Town: Geraldton
Geraldton is called Geraldton because everyone there is called Gerald. Types of Geralds include barefoot bogan Geralds who brawl on the beach, feral Geralds who steal ciggie butts off people’s front porches, boatie Geralds who import ice while pretending to catch crayfish, snobby Geralds who get stiffies from the rising price of their rapidly eroding beachfront properties, and already numerous ‘Kmart mum’ Geraldines, even though the town only got a Kmart in 2021.
All of these Geralds are crammed into an isolated redneck town somewhere on the desolate west coast, renowned for its relentless howling wind that sounds like a horror movie soundtrack. The city is also famous for its white sand beaches—what the brochures don’t mention is that they are covered in huge piles of rotting seaweed, making the entire town smell like an open sewer. Popular tourist activities include sandboarding (throwing yourself down a dune and getting sand in every orifice before slogging back up again) and water sports (getting blown out to sea on a kiteboard and eaten by a shark).
Geraldton’s premier visitor attraction is the wreck of the Batavia, an old ship crewed by a bunch of Dutch maniacs who lost their shit and massacred each other after realising they had crash-landed at Geraldton. On dry land, the best ‘Dero Gero’ can offer is a melted airport runway and the Leaning Trees of Greenough, two features that serve as permanent reminders of the area’s punishing weather.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Melbourne, VIC — Wedding guest stabbed with screwdriver; woman charged after kid caught on camera ‘car surfing’
Toowoomba, QLD — Man with multiple convictions for wanking in public while shoving things up his bum demands free meal from fish & chip shop, then threatens staff member for not including fish with his free chips
Gold Coast, QLD — Car shot during road rage incident; she-gronk allegedly punches pharmacist in face and tips bag of stolen goods on her head; woman sells painting for $200 before discovering it’s worth over 20 grand
Townsville, QLD — Shirtless dickhead breaks into salon and causes $10k worth of damage
Ocean Grove, VIC — Elderly pest caught wanking in open toilet stall
Bendigo, VIC — Gronkette allegedly mugs teens while armed with cooking skewer
Hobart, TAS — Woman allegedly pulls knife while attempting to flee multi-vehicle crash scene
Launceston, TAS — Knife-wielding gronk climbs on servo roof and threatens to burn it down
Sydney, NSW — Woman steals van carrying 10,000 Krispy Kremes
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Vote: Shit Town of the Year
Click/tap on a town’s name below to vote. Voting closes and winner announced Monday 18/12. Only your first vote is recorded, so don’t fuck it up.
What is Australia’s Shittest Town for 2023?