STOA Newsletter #142
Welcome to the penultimate Shit Towns of Australia newsletter for 2023.
Our Shit Town of the Year poll is open for one more week — don’t miss your chance to help pick the next winner of the prestigious brown crown. Vote here.
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Shit Town of the Year: Finalists Round-Up
A reminder of some of the headlines from our Shit Town of the Year finalists (and surrounding towns, in Launceston’s case) from the past 12 months or so.
Adelaide, SA — Vet accused of fingering dogs admits drinking dog jizz; 14-year-old boy hospitalised after sticking golf ball up his bumhole; woman allegedly tries to run over partner because he ate one of her chips
Blacktown, NSW — Epic gronk jailed after breaking into high school 3 times to fuck sheep, goats and cows, before rooting the mattress in his cell
Capital Hill, ACT — All of it
Darwin, NT — Naked teen breaks into sex shop; croc expert revealed as serial dog rapist and rock spider
Glen Waverley, VIC — Drongo arrested after turning up to court in stolen car full of guns, drugs and cash; footy player sucks off teammate in middle of pub for a laugh
Kununurra, WA — Vengeful bull fucks up line dancers at rodeo; more than 80 gronks stage epic 12-hour brawl
Launceston, TAS — Pervert pleads guilty to fucking two goats; depraved Tasmaniacs use live trout as vibrator and fuck on a grave
Toowoomba, QLD — Karen pours bucket of boiling hot liquid dogshit over stranger’s car because she parked in front of her house; champion racehorse tests positive for cocaine; monster gronk caught on CCTV wanking all over man’s trailer and shoving glass stubby up his arse, hours after being released from prison for wanking in hospital car park while fingering his bumhole, which happened hours after being released from prison for shoving sticks up his bum in public and wanking in woman’s backyard while wearing her underwear
Vote for your Shit Town of the Year here.
Shit Town: Moree
Clogging up the junction of the Newell and Grindr highways, Moree is a notoriously remote rat hole, located a good chunk of a day’s drive from both Sydney and Brisbane. Residents of both cities would probably agree that the distance isn’t quite far enough.
Famous as New South Wales’ crime capital, Moree is packed with marauding mobs of morons burning cars, committing burglaries and dishing out hidings on a regular basis. This crime wave is probably fuelled by the fact that the town has more ice than a penguin’s perineum. In fact, Moree’s ‘methidemic’ is so bad that its garbage is routinely contaminated with thousands of used needles, leading local authorities to install special needle bins and run a publicity campaign called ‘Be Sharp Safe’ featuring a cartoon bee. Fortunately, Moree is home to artesian hot springs that locals claim have healing properties, which is particularly helpful for people trying to recover from knife wounds, track marks and other assorted injuries caused by living in Moree.
The 1965 Freedom Ride famously shone a light on the appalling state of Moree’s race relations, including the segregation of the local swimming pool. Unfortunately, while the pool is now open to any local resident, it is still full of discarded syringes and the recipient of a code brown on an almost weekly basis. Moree is also known for its cotton-growing industry, which along with its rampant racism, meth addiction and incest, makes it Australia’s answer to Alabama.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Perth, WA — 15-year-old boy pleads guilty to shooting at school buildings; 15-year-old girl allegedly stabs boy at school; truck spills live crayfish all over major intersection
Ballarat, VIC — Mob of masked neo-Nazis march to protest about their tiny little penises
Warrnambool, VIC — Gronk assaults 88-year-old woman in her own home and steals her liquor; sisters allegedly bash former friend with metal pole over Facebook feud
Kununurra, WA — 10-year-old kid allegedly tries to ram cop car in stolen car
Albury, NSW — Church faces $30k bill after homeless hooligan graffitis unit’s walls, superglues locks and air con, puts cement in toilet, steals fridge and washing machine
Geelong, VIC — Woman allegedly caught with stolen jewellery in her pants; shopping centre Santa Claus sacked after alleged lewd comment to child
Logan, QLD — Grubs steal and vandalise charity truck loaded with $250k worth of donated goods for drought-stricken farmers
Colac, VIC — One-legged woman masturbates in front of shops
Forster, NSW — Council’s shit tree decoration ruins Christmas
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit