STOA Newsletter #147
The Caravan Capital
Welcome to another exciting edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. This week we review the crappy Queensland conurbation of Hervey Bay and share some Facebook feedback from local Hervians, plus your weekly Shit Town Power Rankings.
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Shit Town: Hervey Bay
Sprawled along the shores of an unsightly silty mudflat, Hervey Bay is a tangled clump of villages stuck together by endless caravan parks and old people asylums—a fatberg of shit towns. Pervy Bay’s most popular activities are visiting K’gari (formerly Fraser Island) to get eaten by a dingo, and whale watching, which consists of cruising up the coast to gawp at people from Rockhampton.
Hervey Bay’s lack of normal entertainment options makes it ideal for retirees seeking ‘peace and quiet’ so they can simulate the conditions of their impending death away from the disruptive gaze of immigrants and gays. The majority of the town’s elderly inmates are actually refugees from Victoria searching for somewhere that resembles the Australia they grew up in (i.e. white and dull as shit). The place is so stacked with snooty boomers that it holds the world record for the longest parade of electric mobility scooters, which is apparently the sort of thing that passes for fun in Scurvy Bay.
Hervey Bay claims to be the ‘Caravan Capital of Australia’, which is a bit like boasting about having the most venereal diseases in your cell block. Herpes Bay’s countless caravan parks are home to an array of feral residents who enjoy a spot of everything from hitting each other with hammers to biting policemen after ‘riding the glass-bottom boat’. These JobSeeker tweakers actually have much in common with their elderly neighbours: they don’t work, they’re covered in scabs and missing their teeth, and one day soon they won’t wake up. It’s a sweet release most people in Hervey Hole can only hope for.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Townsville, QLD — 6 high school students hospitalised after ingesting brown substance in class; 50-70 gronks brawl in public park; gronk charged with armed robbery after threatening walkers with bicycle seat and demanding ciggie from man’s mouth
Yeppoon, QLD — Iconic pool closed after spate of poo parasite infections
Melbourne, VIC — Elderly couple terrorised by mongrel burglars impersonating cops; fight erupts between two women at church luncheon
South Hedland, WA — Cops allegedly bitten by woman and dog while attending house fire
Bridgewater, TAS — School student stabbed with scissors on first day of term
Logan, QLD — Bloke beaten up by cop after trying to help them catch car thief
Molong, NSW — Greyhound trainer accused of giving dog alcohol then betting on its opponent
Colebrook, TAS — Thieves make off with massive electronic road sign
Canberra, ACT — MP filmed lying on footpath while slurring swear words into his phone
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Fan Mail: Hervey Bay
Gotta love the reactions from bogans.
In the response. Lol
What's happened to the Ozzy sense of humour?
I love your half truths regarding a location. You guys obviously do a bit of research. Keep it going.