Welcome once again to the official Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
Last week you voted Elizabeth as Adelaide’s worst suburb, now it’s time to find out South Australia’s turdiest town. We’ve narrowed down the options to a shortlist of eight spectacular shitholes. The town with the most votes will represent S.A. in the poll for Australia’s Shittest Town later in the year. Scroll to the end of this email to vote!
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Throwback: Nimbin
If you’re venturing through northern New South Wales and see a sign welcoming you to Nimbin, run for the surrounding hills. The anarchic enclave is inhabited by feral packs of cannibalistic anti-vaxxer chemtrail conspiracy theorist mountain hippies, to whom local law enforcers have long since conceded defeat. You can identify these dangerous creatures by their retina-burning tie-dye shirts, knee-length dreadlocks and made-in-China Tibetan hats. Do not engage with the Nimbinese, do not share their weed, and whatever you do, do not purchase their tacky T-shirts or home-crocheted bong cosies—this will only encourage them to peddle more pointless crap and discourage them from having a shower and getting a job.
The permanently stoned citizens of the country’s cannabis capital can seem initially charming, but things will quickly take a sinister turn if you get too close to a Nimrod—it’s all too common for naive tourists to wander into an innocent-looking drum circle only to find some waster with the munchies munching on their leg. Remember, if bitten by a Nimbinian, you too will become a Nimbinian and will soon be overwhelmed by an insatiable lust for human flesh and an irrational urge to play with devil sticks.
The most perilous times to visit Nimbin are during the annual MardiGrass festival, when droves of drug-fucked hippies descend from their mountain hideaways to smoke inhuman amounts of weed in public, or during the Nimbin Roots Fest, which is the same thing but with music. If you must visit Nimbin during these times or any other, be sure to carry a can of hippie repellent, otherwise called deodorant.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Bubble Buddy: Auckland
Auckland’s Māori name is Tāmaki Makaurau, ‘the City of a Thousand Lovers’, but a better translation might be the City of a Million Fuckwits. New Zealand’s self-titled ‘Super City’ is actually a sprawling beige suburban shitropolis built on top of 50 volcanoes on a narrow isthmus, demonstrating the sort of foresight that has led to twin housing and traffic crises. The city is inhabited largely by coked-up Wall Street wannabes wrecking the economy while their tracksuited soccer mom wives pick up their obese kids in their off-road SUVs that never leave the pristine streets of Remuera, the same vehicles they then use to clog up Auckland’s chronically congested roads as they drive to the gym to use a walking machine, while spitting out their soy lattes in frustration at the smug lycra-clad cyclists bringing entire lanes to a halt as they weave amongst traffic with their balls hanging out.
Meanwhile, the people who mow their lawns retreat to South Auckland to sleep in their cars and dream of winning enough on the horses to pay rent to a baby boomer property investor landlord for a studio do-up in an outer Auckland suburb such as Dunedin or Brisbane. In West Auckland, the bogans and hippies stick to the bush, while the central city is populated by beggars and wardrobe-sized apartment dwellers on dodgy student visas. Auckland’s most iconic landmark is the Sky Tower, a casino-owned structure shaped like a giant hypodermic needle as a tribute to the homeless junkies who sleep beneath it.
Popular activities in the seaside ‘City of Sails’ include pumping sewage onto beaches while simultaneously complaining about farmers dumping effluent, getting an erection from talking about property prices, and watching their favourite sports team lose. Auckland: City of Fails.
For more information about Auckland, see our Shit Towns of New Zealand books, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Mildura, VIC — Mad gronk sets his mate’s crotch on fire because he bought him the wrong type of petrol
Merrylands, NSW — Teenage girls’ train station brawl ends in stabbing and arrest
Kyabram, VIC — Unlicensed pregnant mum busted driving unregistered car with no number plates or seatbelt while high on ice
Lawnton, QLD — Gronk hiding in pub ceiling falls into women’s toilets before running away and throwing roof tiles at cops
Rockdale, NSW — Riot police called after soccer hooligans brawl with makeshift weapons
Dunedoo, NSW — Gronk fucks up entire golf course with tractor plough
Bendigo, VIC — Granddad smacks mobility scooter rider with plank of wood
Alice Springs, NT — Feral kids pelt Ghan tourist train with rocks, smashing windows
Byron Bay, NSW — NIMBYs protest against locally filmed Netflix show
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Vote: South Australia’s Shittest Town
Click/tap on a town’s name below to vote. Voting closes and winner announced Monday 10/5. Only your first vote is recorded, so don’t fuck it up.
What is South Australia’s Shittest Town?
WHYALLA Should be the shittiest town in SA. While I visited Port Pirie, at least I got good service while there and great coffee.
In WHYALLA - Service doesnt exist.
At my local accommodation, the service is woeful, eating establishments service is woeful and worst of all, the DISGUSTING lack of service and the "F YOU" attitude of the Whyalla hospital has to be seen to be believed.
Whyalla is one of the worst towns Ive ever had the misfortune to visit. I came to SA and to Whyalla to work, and I still have to do two more weeks of hell, befote I can get out of here. I came here for work and cant wait to leave. I am constantly gobsmacked at the consistent LACK OF SERVICE and the apathy in this town. The food is shit, the local caravan park where Im a PAYING guest (what a joke) dont give a flying fart and is MAJOR SHIT. Paying $106 a day for a total of over $7000 for my visit - the place is disgusting. I had to complain EIGHT times before somebody would do anything about the fridge that wasnt working.
The SERVICE does not exist. I've had a fresh set of sheets ONCE after a fortnight and then I had to ask THREE TIMES I've had to BEG for toilet paper twic and haven't had any for days. Yes they know. I have emailed and emailed. Nobody cleans my bathroom, nobody cleans the floor, The Air conditioning/heating doesnt work properly.
On Wed 12, despite a sign on the door, and me being in bed ASLEEP after working night shift; somebody came up onto my verandah, unlocked the door, walked into my cabin, saw me in the bed - said NOTHING - turned around and left, slammed the effing door and didnt lock it, and didnt close the screen door and my car was right outside.
People drive right past my cabin all hours of the day and night and whack into my verandah the idiots with caravans actually get stuck - and it ISNT a road! It's all washed away and the morons don't look or don't care. I can't talk about my workplace on here but my treatment has been inceredibly substandard and bordering on terrorisation and discrimination.
The WORST, the total WORST experience of all here - is with some health issues I've repeatedly tried to call Whyalla Hospital over several issues. Now Ive worked in over 400 hospitals in almost 50 years all over Australia and I have NEVER in my life known ANY hospital in any state REFUSE to answer thier phone 90% of the time. The phone repeatedy rings out. I rang the Whyalla hospital over 100 times one night and nobody picked up! Last night I started ringing at about 7pm and finally somebody answered the phone at 0735am this morning. She was a rude bitch, I got put through to another rude bitch who was as smart as a brick and knew NOTHING and I had to repharase my request 5 times, she REFUSED to give me any information but took my number and NEVER called back!!! I didnt catch three flights to travel from queensland to live and work in this dirty effing hole and I hate it!! I feel sorry for the poor bastards that live here. I'd rather be in Port Pirie!