STOA Newsletter #150
Weed Heads
Welcome to the 150th edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. This week, Tweed Heads gets the Shit Towns treatment, and Victoria continues its recent resurgence in the Power Rankings.
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Shit Town: Tweed Heads
Smeared either side of the New South Wales–Queensland border, Tweed Heads is Coolangatta’s malformed and malevolent conjoined twin. The ‘Home Brand Gold Coast’ originally emerged as a place for Queensland’s thrifty reprobates to take advantage of New South Wales’ liberal gambling and prostitution laws while travelling the shortest possible distance. To this day, the border town is packed with pokie dens and brimming with brothels. Due to Queensland’s stubborn shunning of daylight saving, during summer Tweed Heads becomes a ratchet time machine where you can travel in time simply by crossing a street. Unfortunately, it doesn’t transport you to a time when Tweed Heads isn’t a shithole.
There are two types of people who live in Tweed Heads: juvenile gangsters turning the place into Eshay Disneyland and retirees looking for somewhere by the sea to run out the clock. The entire generation between is mysteriously missing. The town takes its name from its proliferation of grumpy grandads, the only people who would be seen dead wearing tweed (and soon they will be). In fact, Tweed Heads has the largest tweedophile population in all of Australia. Unfortunately, the ample geriatrics are sitting ducks for the roid-raging failed league players and psychotic trust-fund pinga rats who make up the rest of the local population. Packs of delinquents roam Tweed’s wide riverside streets with impunity, stabbing or coward-punching random residents and wiping poo on people’s property for literal shits and giggles.
A popular daytrip from Tweed Heads is the lush Lamington National Park, replete with coconut, sponge and chocolate trees. The town itself also features a number of parks, though the council recently resorted to tearing the roof and walls off one popular picnic area because there was too much Alan Jonesing going on. Considering Tweed Heads is essentially Australia’s Tijuana—a crime-riddled border-straddling abortion—it’s appropriate that it sits in the long shadow of the ominously named Mount Warning; other local landmarks include Point Danger, Beware Hill and You’re Going To Die Bay.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Melbourne, VIC — U16 girls’ basketball game descends into mass brawl between parents and kids; autistic teen bashed by schoolgirls on pier; bloke hospitalised after being ambushed thugs with machetes, knives, baseball bat and hammer
Geelong, VIC — Grub found guilty of breaking into farm and rooting horse
Townsville, QLD — Pregnant woman jailed after getting snagged on barbed wire while fleeing cops from stolen car after stealing $184 sex toy; prisoner escapes from court to play pokies
Morwell, VIC — 15-year-old charged after double stabbing during brawl
Gold Coast, QLD — Maniac in hatchback chases two pedestrians and rams multiple cars; grub pours piss all over ex-husband’s car and sticks dildos to windscreen
Mount Druitt, NSW — Female cop hospitalised after being assaulted during train ticket check
Toowoomba, QLD — TikTok cane toad cook gets suspended sentence for stalking neighbour and repeatedly humping sex doll outside her unit
Mildura, VIC — Gronk charged after offering ex-partner KFC in exchange for sex
Brisbane, QLD — ‘Serial pest’ gets suspended jail sentence after mowing giant dick in parents’ lawn
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Fan Mail: Tweed Heads
Instead of Tweed Heads. Should be called Twit Heads. I went there once never again.