STOA Newsletter #151
Small Poppy Syndrome
Welcome to another issue of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. This week we profile Moe, share some of our favourite feedback on the piece, and once again update the Shit Town Power Rankings.
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Shit Town: Moe
If Australia were a Monopoly board, the Latrobe Valley would definitely be the brown squares. Among the Smelly Valley’s chief latrines is Moe, a shit town extraordinaire that ticks every box on the shit list: from drug and crime problems, massive unemployment, constant rain and air pollution, to a sex pest–heavy population that sifts about town in the traditional local attire of pyjamas and puffer vests.
Pronounced ‘Mowee’, ‘Moe’ is an old Indigenous word meaning ‘shithole’. Appropriately, it shares its name with the most depressed character on The Simpsons, as well as a Japanese term for an unhealthy sexual attraction to underage cartoon characters. ‘Moe’ is also a well-known acronym for ‘Moccasins On Everyone’, though an equally accurate version would be ‘Meth Overdoses Everyday’. In 2007 it was proposed that the town change its name from Moe to Moet to mooch off the reputation of the famous champagne brand, the sort of bogan logic that leads people to name their unplanned newborns Chardonnay or Schapelle and expect them not to become strippers or drug mules. Unfortunately, the plan was shot down by a section of angry locals who felt that aligning with a classy product like champagne would give visitors the wrong impression of Moe. It was then proposed renaming the town to something more fitting, like Monster Energy Mango Loco, but Monster declined to be involved because being associated with Moe would be bad for their image.
Moe was founded as a swampy gold diggers’ piss stop, a suitably miserable origin for a seriously miserable town. This history is immortalised at Old Gippstown, a historical park that tries to make locals feel better by pretending that living in squalor is novel and fun. Visitors to Old Gippstown can see a goldminer’s meth lab, Australia’s first Centrelink and the first place someone successfully made love to an ugg boot. Today, the town has barely changed—it can be hard to tell where the primitive shacks of Old Gippstown end and the primitive shacks of ‘modern’ Moe begin.
M.O.E.—Move Over Ethiopia!
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Carag Carag, VIC — Animal rights activists capture footage of pervert porking a pig at bacon piggery
Darwin, NT — Couple carjacked by knife-wielding kids including 11-year-old, who then get carjacked by other teens less than an hour later; 81-year-old woman mugged by knife-wielding kids including 7-year-old
Gold Coast, QLD — Woman stabbed by stranger while walking into shopping centre; pest whips out dick and waves it around during peak Surfers Paradise nightlife hours
Hobart, TAS — Psycho allegedly kills pet bird and burns down the owner’s unit
Geraldton, WA — Menace allegedly breaks into woman’s home and wanks while she sleeps
Coober Pedy, SA — Woman allegedly 7 times over alcohol limit crashes into post office while picking up kid from school
Gympie, QLD — Mum sneaks into high school disguised as student to watch her son fight
Melbourne, VIC — Maniac jumps on cars on freeway; soccer match abandoned after fan knocked out in brawl
Boonah, QLD — Gronk takes stolen truck and Bobcat on 500km police chase
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Fan Mail: Moe
Join us next week when we visit Morwell.
The Truth obviously Hurts these Bogans. Hence the comments. They can’t handle living in a shit hole.
Well, you’ll never run out of material huh. How depressing. Straya! 🫠