Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. After inspecting Moe last week, this week we mosey on down to Morwell. Plus your weekly Shit Town Power Rankings, and a bumper crop of fan mail.
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Shit Town: Morwell
Strategically hidden in the impenetrable smog of the Latrobe Valley, Morwell is a dull and depressing dump of a town that apparently exists purely to poison its residents. The town is surrounded by coal-fired power plants and mines that pollute the air and destroy the planet so Melburnians can enjoy uninterrupted access to Pornhub. The Hazelwood open-cut mine fire of 2014 blanketed Morwell in a thick layer of smoke, choking the local population—but improving the scenery dramatically. Morwell is also handy to Australia’s largest paper mill, which regularly makes the entire Latrine Valley smell like someone just sharted (which, given Morwellians’ hygiene habits, they probably did). In most shit towns, sucking on bumpers made from scavenged ciggie butts is the preferred method of contracting herpes and lung cancer at the same time—in Morwell, locals need only walk outside and inhale. This makes Morwell’s name rather ironic, as people who live there are actually substantially less well.
Unsurprisingly, the only people willing to live in such a soul-crushing suck shack are the sort of human detritus who have been jettisoned from respectable society. The Bairnsdale train line cuts between the town centre and Centrelink, creating an unusual scenario in which both sides of the tracks are the wrong side. Dumped mattresses, piles of used nappies and discarded sharps line the streets, and there are more couches in front yards than in houses. The comatose CBD consists of welfare services, two-dollar shops and abandoned buildings, the only activity being criminals visiting the justice precinct for processing and the odd ice zombie staggering across an empty road. The town is so dire that even its deadshit kids quickly tire of chucking mainies and instead head off to try to sneak into a bar in nearby Traralgon. Any place that drives someone to visit Traralgon is truly hell on earth.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Melbourne, VIC — Deadshits flog 80 dead kids’ memorial plaques from cemetery for scrap metal; car ploughs into group of people at hoon meet; random girl does huge shit on couple’s doorstep
Cairns, QLD — Gronkette allegedly cuts open woman’s face with meat cleaver at bus stop
Broome, WA — Gronk allegedly steals car with woman and kid inside before assaulting cops
Geraldton, WA — Feral youths attack homeowner with axe and hammer after trying to break into his house
Nowra, NSW — Gronk sentenced for driving daughter after smashing 15 beers and snorting coke; off-duty cop charged with street racing
Liverpool, NSW — 14-year-old allegedly starts display car in shopping mall, runs over 3 bystanders and rams it into shops
Gold Coast, QLD — Maniac flees cops by jumping off 5th-storey balcony into swimming pool
Geelong, VIC — Gronk assaults chemist after coming in 30 days too early to fill his script
Adelaide, SA — Drongo calls ambulance after getting hurt while trying to break into bike shop
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Hahaha. I went there few years ago and how right you are. Gotta love the bad grammar from the bogans in the feedback.
The fan mail (not the comments) gets more deranged and less articulate every week.