Welcome to the Easter edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. This week we check out the Bondi cigars in the Eastern Suburbs, wrap up another big week of shit town shenanigans in the Power Rankings, and share some more furious Facebook feedback.
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Shit Town: Eastern Suburbs
Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs is home to some of the world’s most iconic beaches—unfortunately, it is also home to some of the world’s biggest dickheads. Populated largely by the feckless offspring of investment bankers and property developers, the most popular activities in the Eastern Suburbs include taking Instagram photos of your acai bowl, working for your dad and claiming to be an ‘entrepreneur’ on dating apps. The average Eastern Suburbanite is easily identifiable by their gym-sculpted rig, a wardrobe slathered in Ralph Lauren Polo logos and a timepiece more expensive than a Campbelltown fibro.
The Eastern Suburbs’ premier attraction is the world-famous Bondi Beach, a flog-frequented patch of sand usually covered with pasty British backpackers sunbaking themselves to the colour of burnt bacon and hoping to leave the Lucky Country with that most Australian of souvenirs, melanoma. The popular Bondi to Coogee coastal walk is great if you’re keen to case some flash houses or fall off a cliff. While in town, watch the Sydney Roosters, who take advantage of their fans’ natural proclivity towards financial fraud to be perennial contenders in the NRL (National Rort-the-salary-cap League).
Recently locals have launched a campaign to ban trains and buses from the Eastern Suburbs in order to cut down on the number of peasants who can freely roam their well-appointed streets. Who needs public transport when you have a Tesla powered solely by the owner’s smug sense of self-satisfaction?
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Alice Springs, NT — 18-year-old dies after his 8 mates abandon him following car crash; teenage girl viciously assaulted during 50-person brawl; hundreds of feral rioters trash tavern and smash cars
Adelaide, SA — Shop manager bashed over head with stool by teenage shoplifter and staff terrorised by axe-wielding maniac in same mall; gronk hijacks taxi before being captured in Macca’s drive-thru; gronk uses shopping trolley to break into post office for no apparent reason; little kids break into Subway to steal empty cash register
Sydney, NSW — Maniac cuts off dead brother’s ear to test nephew’s paternity
Maroochydore, QLD — Gronkette allegedly assaults woman before pushing her face into puddle of piss; couple caught rooting in shopping centre’s disabled toilet stall with see-through door
Kanahooka, NSW — Pile of dumped needles and medical waste washes up near playground
Townsville, QLD — Gronk jailed after bashing shop worker who caught him trying to steal cheese; 1.4m croc waddles into servo
Geelong, VIC — Menace allegedly threatens neighbours with kitchen knife and stands naked on their front porch
Port Hedland, WA — Councillor appears on Russian TV to congratulate Putin on election for some reason
Brisbane, QLD — Man stuck in stormwater drain for 36 hours after witness waits until next day to call someone
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
I love the indignant stupid rants on the comments. Best part.
And while it's true that most of the people of the Eastern Suburbs are wankers, they are at least educated and literate wankers. Along with Byron and the Southern Highlands of NSW, the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney are the collective headquarters of wankerie.