STOA Newsletter #154
Tuggabugga
Welcome to another issue of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. This week we take a look at Tuggabugga, a little-known shit town near the border of Western Australia and New South Wales. Plus, another Shit Town Power Rankings packed full of gronks, drongos and 5-year-old car thieves.
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Shit Town: Tuggabugga
Tuggabugga is known mainly for three things: incest, religious extremism and toxic industrial waste, making it more Australian than a kangaroo doing it up the wrong ’un while singing ‘Flame Trees’ and doing a shoey of Tooheys New. Filled with three-legged dogs, petrol-sniffing toddlers and inbred dole bludgers, this is a place so backwards that babies eat dingoes.
The town was founded by a radical sect of Anglicans after they were ostracised from society when their leader wrote a new version of the Bible that emphasised itchy undergarments and camel marriage. It was then populated by convicts who were exiled from convict colonies for reoffending, making Tuggabugga the country’s only convict colony convict colony. The small community has bred exclusively within itself for generations, resulting in a gene pool so shallow that it’s more of a gene puddle.
Tuggabugga is home to Australia’s largest open-cast glitter mine (known locally as ‘the Old Axe Wound’), responsible for producing 50 per cent of the world’s glitter. Glitter from the mine has been used to make a range of products, from the disco balls in the Sydney Opera House to Shane Warne’s personal supply of zinc to all the titty glitter that gave the Gold Coast its ‘Glitter Strip’ nickname. An unfortunate side effect of this once prosperous industry, Tuggabugga is now covered in a thin layer of shiny shit so toxic that the townsfolk wish it was asbestos. Many residents are afflicted with sparkly lung, a fatal disease that sees sufferers coughing up delightful rainbows of metastasised lung tissue.
Aside from the glitter mine, Tuggabugga’s main tourist attractions are the Big Dingleberry and the Ear Wax Museum, both conveniently located on the town’s main (and only) road. Another favourite feature is the statue of local celebrity Graeme, Australia’s first donkey mayor, who held office for a staggering 30 years barring a six-month suspension for corruption after he ate several sensitive documents.
Despite its inhabitants, atmosphere and distinct smell, Tuggabugga’s sparkly facade and over three attractions make it well worth a trip. In fact, it’s probably the only town in this book worth visiting.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Bourke, NSW — Two 12-year-olds and a 5-year-old break into house to steal car
Cairns, QLD — Gronk gets shot after stealing marked cop car; driver allegedly shot in leg after car crash; suburb locked down for 13 hours after mongrel allegedly fires speargun at police
Melbourne, VIC — Suspended driver allegedly caught drink-driving at 171km/h with 4 kids in car; drongo cops find fugitive passed out in car at red light and still lose him
Alice Springs, NT — 12-, 13- and 17-year-olds arrested after alleged armed burglary and car theft; pack of kids steal crossbows and knives from camping store; man beats up his son-in-law after seeing him on Territory Cops
Hobart, TAS — Dipshit teen arrested after allegedly shoplifting in front of cops while carrying homemade gun; 17-year-old allegedly holds up pharmacy with scissors; university museum allegedly displays dead people’s body parts for decades without families’ knowledge
Geelong, VIC — Maniac arrested in cemetery after smashing random graves and stealing flowers
Toowoomba, QLD — Serial public wanker busted again after 3-hour meth-fuelled masturbation marathon in unlocked public disabled toilet
Townsville, QLD — Mother of 6 stalks her kids’ foster parents, gropes female cop and smears shit all over watchhouse cell
Heyfield, VIC — Drongo tow truck driver charged with drug-driving twice after twice showing up to help cops impound vehicles while on meth
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Geoff Rissole Comedy
For those of you in Auckland, we are stoked to announce The G.C Comedy Show, a riotous hour of stand-up comedy featuring Shit Towns co-writer Geoff Rissole and the fantastic Charlotte Hansen. Two comedians, two nights, one big comedy show!
Get your tickets here.
The description of a Gene pool as a 'Gene Puddle' ... for sure sums up many places on this Planet. Excellent.
The Name Says it all. Especially Bugga.