Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. This week we zero in on Maitland ahead of their steamer festival, and some old characters return in the Shit Town Power Rankings.
If you have mates who are keen to vote in our polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Maitland
Maitland spruiks itself as the ‘first town of the Hunter Valley’, a claim vigorously contested by Newcastle, which is a bit like two hobos fighting over a shit sandwich. The city was founded by notorious petty criminal and bigamist Molly Morgan, who was exiled to New South Wales before escaping and being sent back for another crime. While Newcastle was a favourite dumping ground for Britain’s undesirables, Maitland was where Newcastle sent theirs, making it basically a convict colony convict colony. The settlement was built on the banks of the massively flood-prone Hunter River and has sprawled over the top of old coalmines, so is an ideal place to live if you enjoy choking on coaldust, falling into abandoned mine shafts or drowning in your living room.
Maitland’s premier event is the annual Hunter Valley Steamfest, which famously features a race between a steam train and a biplane. The biplane almost always wins, but only because the train is invariably relieved of its wheels by locals and left resting on cinder blocks before it can reach the finish line. The city’s rugby league team is the Pickers, named for the local tradition of digging sooty boogers out of their snouts mid-match and smearing them on opponents’ jerseys.
For sightseers, Maitland is home to an unparalleled array of shit monuments. The ‘Black Boy’ is a fibreglass replica of an American ‘lawn jockey’, a racist relic proudly displayed on the main street. ‘Fetch Boy’ is a statue of a human-dog hybrid picking up its own turd having just taken a shit in public, a pointed critique of Maitlanders’ hygiene habits. Appropriately, the bogan-infested city also hosts the Big Ugg Boots, a supersized shrine to Australia’s favourite sheepskin skank shoes (most of which are actually made in China from rat hides and political prisoners’ pubes).
Maitland: first in the Hunter Valley … for floods, subsidence and casual racism.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Branxholm, TAS — Convicted goat fucker charged with burning down house
Carag Carag, VIC — Alleged pig fucker charged with strangling person
Yuendumu, NT — Early learning centre allegedly set on fire by preschoolers
Townsville, QLD — 44-year-old grandma and her daughter beat up stranger for getting too close to the older woman’s husband; 14- and 15-year-olds charged after stolen car crash; grub steals elderly woman’s life savings to spend on Sportsbet
Penrith, NSW — Woman allegedly sets own hand and hair on fire while torching neighbour’s fence
Atherton, QLD — Pest charged after allegedly walking down main road with knife and no pants
Wonthaggi, VIC — Serial pest threatens to beat shit out of 15-year-old KFC worker unless they put extra salt on his chips
Renmark, SA — Creeps give presentation about bestiality to class of unsupervised year 9 girls
Sunshine Coast, QLD — Massive snake does massive shit on resident’s roof
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Geoff Rissole Comedy
For those of you in Auckland, we are stoked to announce The G.C Comedy Show, a riotous hour of stand-up comedy featuring Shit Towns co-writer Geoff Rissole and the fantastic Charlotte Hansen. Two comedians, two nights, one big comedy show!
good to see you are keeping up with CURRENT news events, finger on the pulse etc. your reference to orange lifeguards this week is only 4 months old . happened at christmas.
Yeundamoooo!!! most real ghetto in the bush (still love the place). Every morning the radio sing get up and go to school...not sure torching is mentioned 🤣