Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. This week we review Rockingham, WA, and it’s another big week of dicks, gronks and drongos in the Shit Town Power Rankings.
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Shit Town: Rockingham
Named after its official currency, crack rock, Rockingham is a failed port turned poor man’s tourist town. Visitors flock to ‘Rocko’ from all over the Perth metropolitan area to pester a pelican or fondle a dolphin, offload their unwanted elderly to one of the numerous nursing homes, have a seaside street fight or shoot up on some sand. One of the city’s main strands is Palm Beach, which sits on Cockburn Sound—interestingly, both names were inspired by a particularly furious masturbation session by coloniser Thomas Peel. With incessant gales, nearby Safety Bay is ideal for windsurfing, kitesurfing and, ironically, drowning.
Rockingham first became a desirable daytrip destination for Perthlings in the early twentieth century as it was within driving distance of the state crapital, but far enough away that the Pertherts could legally binge on booze on Sundays during an era when sales were strictly prohibited in their own city for dumb religious reasons, before drink-driving the 50 kilometres home again. To this day, chugging cheap piss until you pass out remains Rockingham’s official sport. The city’s favourite alcohol-poisoning establishment is the Swinging Pig (a play on ‘Rocking Ham’), a popular place to punch on with a navy jock in knock-off sunnies, get glassed by a FIFO fuckwit with a neck tatt and rat’s tail, or have a hoon on a welfare daddy–seeking single mum.
Aside from its abundance of boofheads, Rockingham is most famous for the Catalpa rescue of 1876, when six Irish Fenian convicts became so desperate to leave Rockingham that they braved a storm to flee in a rickety dinghy. Their motivation is entirely understandable to anyone who has been to Rockingham.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Gold Coast, QLD — Gronk allegedly assaults two paramedics before whipping his dick out; menace jailed and fined for vaping on plane and pissing on seats; 364 million litres of shit spills into river from busted sewer pipe
Cairns, QLD — Knife-wielding gronkess allegedly bundles kids and dog into car before driving at cops and crashing into pole; wanted 16-year-old arrested after breaking into police station; 16-year-old detainee allegedly throws piss all over cops
Melbourne, VIC — Two teens charged after allegedly brawling with knives, machetes and axe in kids’ play area at shopping centre; mum spits the dummy after taking baby to comedy show and getting kicked out
Perth, WA — World’s biggest idiot gets massive Bruce Lehrmann tattoo
Devonport, TAS — Drongo causes gas leak and local lockdown by stealing gas meter
Wollongong, NSW — Serial pest busted repeatedly wanking on train while on bail for wanking on train; hospital worker sacked after allegedly taking creepy photos of female patients
Lake Macquarie, NSW — Maniac holds up donut shop armed with blood-filled syringe
Mount Gambier, SA — Domino's franchisee allegedly throws pizza at woman and threatens to smash her face after she asks for refund
Byron Bay, NSW — Man breaks into luxury hotel to cook himself a lobster meal
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
A succulent lobster meal.
Don’t forget Sir Mark McGowan lived in Rocko until he retired from politics. I figured that’s where he had his crash course in fuckwits 101.