Welcome to another Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. This week we review the Northern Beaches, share some feedback from Northern Bitches, and temporarily extend the Shit Town Power Rankings to 20 to cram in all of the week’s sex pests.
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Shit Town: Northern Beaches
Extending from Port Jackson to Broken Bay and taking in some of Sydney’s most expensive shit suburbs such as Manly, Dee Why and Palm Beach, the Northern Beaches is a bastion of self-important snobbery with a side of paranoia.
The region is the natural habitat of some of the worst types of Sydneysiders: CEOs in board shorts, upper-class hipsters, Insta-sluts, trophy wives, yoga-obsessed anti-vaxxers, baby boomer slumlords and Tony Abbott. It’s also full of drongo surfer stereotypes who refuse to cross the bridge under any circumstances but will happily stab you for the perfect wave. Fortunately for the residents of the rest of Sydney, those who live on the ‘Insular Peninsula’ rarely travel south, acting like they are surrounded by an impenetrable moat rather than at the other end of the A8.
Despite its nauseatingly posh veneer, the Northern Beaches is actually a festering hotbed of crime, with offences ranging from rampant tax evasion to buying Paleo Pete books to the filming of Home and Away. It is also guilty of the heinous crime of almost touching the Central Coast—indeed, large chunks of the Northern Beaches are basically Gosford with more disposable income and less hepatitis.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Melbourne, VIC — Fuckwit beats up woman and her elderly mum over zoo parking space dispute; drongo accidentally shoots himself with homemade gun
Moorland, NSW — Grub busted after allegedly sharing videos of himself rooting dogs, sheep, goats, chickens and dead kangaroo
Bli Bli, QLD — Barefoot tradie bashes man with spirit level in front of bus full of kids
Maroochydore, QLD — Meth head jailed after stealing yacht, breaking into homes and carjacking breastfeeding woman; couple caught mid-blowjob on sandbar in middle of river
Nhulunbuy, NT — Pair of gronks charged after allegedly vandalising ambulance and robbing paramedic
Townsville, QLD — Mayor investigated for allegedly faking military service; maniac armed with petrol, tomahawk and knife holds staff and patrons hostage in pub for no apparent reason
Darwin, NT — Pest gets suspended sentence for wanking while filming teenage girls in Macca’s
Wodonga, VIC — Drunk, naked gronkess bites woman on vagina
Brisbane, QLD — National bodybuilding champ and lecturer sentenced for wanking on train while on probation for wanking in shops
Northam, WA — 10 people hospitalised and 2 dickheads arrested after Bunnings staff and customers sprayed with unknown substance
Nambour, QLD — Serial public wanker who recently beat off in retirement home while wearing nothing but women’s undies and covered in vegetable oil, pleads guilty to nicking woman’s knickers
Bendigo, VIC — 13-year-old charged after series of ram raids
Cairns, QLD — Serial pest armed with phone, headphones and tub of Vaseline caught rubbing one out in stranger’s yard
Gracemere, QLD — Gronk found naked in paddock after robbing Macca’s and servo and asking taxi driver to borrow their car
Wollongong, NSW — Ear fetishist accused of molesting woman’s lobes
Norseman, WA — Men’s Shed temporarily closed after amateur distillery discovered in toilet
Launceston, TAS — Man in pink wig steals thousands of dollars worth of Ariana Grande perfume during 8-month crime spree
Gold Coast, QLD — Bungling bagsnatcher bagged after running into police wanding operation
Sydney, NSW — Rugba leeg presenter allegedly filmed in late night street brawl
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
The selected responses from our privileged and entitled friends from the Northern Beaches were absurdly predictable. The weekly list of crime highlights is always entertaining and depressing in equal measure.
The comments are almost the best part. So dumb.