STOA Newsletter #160
Sadstone
Welcome to another issue of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. This week we take a gander at Gladstone, share a bumper crop of fan mail from Gladstoners, and wrap up the latest gronkery in the Shit Town Power Rankings.
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Shit Town: Gladstone
Gladstone’s main claim to fame is its position on the edge of the bleached carcass of the Great Barrier Reef, which is what happens when you plonk a gargantuan coal terminal, an alumina refinery, an aluminium smelter and three LNG plants in a World Heritage area, then dredge the fuck out of the seabed and dump the sludge all over the coral. Replete with the ubiquitous stench of caustic and an eerie green sky, the reef-wrecking seaside shitnest of Gladstone exploits its location to lure in tourists, who apparently enjoy swimming with dead dugongs at coaldust-coated beaches in the shadow of hulking industrial monstrosities and emerging from the polluted sea covered in mysterious sores.
Gladstone is primarily inhabited by self-righteous bogan mercenaries who not only think it’s okay to destroy a natural wonder of the world so they can buy an HSV but also that Australia owes them a debt of gratitude for doing so. The only upside of Gladstone’s environmental vandalism is that the toxic air quickly strips the shiny red paint off these brand-new boganmobiles’ bonnets.
Originally called Port Curtis, the city was renamed Gladstone because you’re only glad to be there if you’re stoned. The poo pit was once promoted as a possible capital of Queensland, but even then it was so shit that the powers that be preferred the burgeoning boganopolis of Brisbane. In 1945, the crew of a US Air Force plane were so disturbed by the sight of Gladstone that they flew headfirst into the ground. These days, the city is conveniently home to a cyanide plant, which should prove useful if the locals ever realise what a disgrace their town is and decide to make a quick exit.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Fitzroy Crossing, WA — Three gronks charged with stealing over 300 cattle in elaborate heist involving helicopters, buggies and earthmoving equipment
Melbourne, VIC — Tradie caught on CCTV crapping on family’s lawn after 3 years of mystery shits; SUV flips on freeway after hitting abandoned stolen ute
Rockhampton, QLD — Gronk swallows drugs and hides more in his foreskin to smuggle them into prison
Wodonga, VIC — Gronkess arrested after allegedly hitting person with bong and assaulting ambos; school suspends student for saying the word ‘sigma’
Broome, WA — Two 14-year-olds arrested after allegedly pulling gun on young girl and her mum
Townsville, QLD — Horse stolen from visiting circus; meth head caught with 300kg of stolen copper wire; woman carjacked by knife-wielding gronk
Bli Bli, QLD — Gronk jailed after punching and biting his neighbour for mowing the lawn
Launceston, TAS — Gronkette allegedly throws knife at Coles worker because she wouldn’t give her ciggies
Gold Coast, QLD — Drongos drag unmanned car out of ditch, across the road and off cliff on other side; shit gushes out of leaky sewer on to street outside busy shops
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Fan Mail: Gladstone
As usual, lame brains take all this seriously and write indignant comments. Funny as! Gladstone is a shit hole though. I lived there for a while. The stink and pollution is awful.
Last comment in fan mail. Says it all.
Probably all the other comments are related.