STOA Newsletter #161
The Woys
Welcome to another Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. This week we review two shit towns: Woy and Woy.
Woy Woy is a member of the ‘So Much Ice They Named it Twice’ Club, along with the likes of Wagga Wagga, Bli Bli and Port Pirie Port Pirie.
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Shit Town: Woy Woy
The witticisms ‘God’s waiting room’ and ‘the world’s only above-ground cemetery’ have been co-opted to describe numerous retirement towns but were originally coined by comedian Spike Milligan for the Central Coast geriatric camp of Woy Woy.
Despite his insults, the Indian-born Anglo-Irishman is celebrated as a deity in Woy Woy as the only person of note ever to pay any attention to the town. In a sort of mass-scale Stockholm syndrome, Woy Woy honours its tormentor with a permanent exhibition at the local library and, formerly, an annual festival. Milligan also has a bridge named after him in the town, after Woy Woy took literally his suggestion that they ‘build a bridge and get over it’. Fittingly, Woy Woy’s only celebrity was not even a resident but was a frequent visitor, as the illiterate cultural wasteland was the ideal place for a writer trying to escape attention. At the time, not only did Woy Woyans have no idea who Spike Milligan was, they didn’t even know what a book was—half of which remains the case.
Sadly, the comatose coffin-dodger paradise that Milligan knew is fast disappearing as property developers and hipsters alike invade at a great rate, replacing all of the derelict weatherboard and fibro shacks with apartment blocks, multistorey mansions, New Age shops peddling bullshit for post-menopausal hippies, and pretentious cafes that serve soup in teapots. Even the prince of put-downs himself would be hard-pressed to sum up the bona fide bastion of wank that Woy Woy has become. The town is still part of the Centrelink Coast, however, so there’s still a decent chance of getting beaten up at a train station, shopping centre or yoga class. Get bashed while you still can!
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Sydney, NSW — Female jogger caught on CCTV shitting on footpath; creep avoids jail after wanking in car in front of walker; pest caught wanking on train after stealing $1000 worth of energy drinks
Ipswich, QLD — Macca’s worker filmed drying mop head under food warmer next to fries
Mount Gambier, SA — Knife-wielding 8-year-old threatens to kill classmates
Stanthorpe, QLD — Woman allegedly cuts truck’s power steering line after argument in Woolies car park; thieves make off with 1.5 tonnes of cut firewood
Benalla, VIC — E-scooter rider arrested after allegedly deliberately bowling over grandma
Airlie Beach, QLD — Drunk gronk allegedly grabs cop’s leg, taser and balls
Kalgoorlie, WA — Gronk fined for rubbing his dick on police station cell glass while swearing at cops and telling them to look at it
Wodonga, VIC — Gronk climbs on pizza shop roof and rips out wires because the air con was too noisy
Sarina, QLD — Drongo soldiers crash army truck into servo roof
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Fan Mail: Central Coast
The entire central coast is shit.
Don’t even think about eating anything at The Entrance. Bogan Hygiene practices are in full swing . Full of cashed up bogans wanna be gangsters. Car Hoons simps trolling for chicks. You name it. It’s on the coast.
Centrelink Coast, so true. Wasteland of illiterates, absolutely. Above ground cemetery, sure is.