It’s been a bit of a week here at Shit Towns HQ. Last Monday, we announced Port Pirie as the winner of this year’s Shittest Town in South Australia award, live on ABC radio. Mayor Leon Stephens didn’t take it well. You can read the ABC article here.
Mayor Leon was also upset at the perennial ‘Port Pirie: Still Shit’ running joke in our weekly Power Rankings:
‘I think this is getting pretty tired. It’s a bit like a dad joke that’s continually going on and I think that it’s time that we changed it up a little bit.’
As requested, we’ve changed it up in this week’s rankings. You’re welcome, Leon!
A few days later, local radio station Magic 105.9 brought Leon together with Shit Towns co-founder Geoff Rissole to debate the issue. They also made a meat effigy of Geoff (a pack of rissoles) and forced it to endure the sights of Pirie, including meeting Mayor Colonel Sanders himself (pic below). You can listen to that exchange here.
On Wednesday we posted our review of Yeppoon on Facebook, and it’s fair to say that the local Karens and Darrens were not impressed. Even the local state MP had a go at us. We’ve included a few of our favourite bits of ‘fan mail’ from Poonies in this newsletter.
Also in this newsletter, you’ll find the poll for Western Australia’s Shittest Town for 2021. We’ve included 15 of your most suggested WA towns from Facebook. Note that some of your suggestions will instead be included in the next poll, WA’s Shittest Suburb, while Perth will feature later in the year in the poll for Australia’s Shittest City. To vote for WA’s Shittest Town, scroll to the end of this email!
If you have mates who are keen to vote in future polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
STOA Merch
Our ‘Port Pirie: Still Shit’ T-shirts have been particularly popular this week. We also have hoodies, face masks, stickers and all kinds of other crap, as well as other designs including a fully sick one for Bogan Logan.
Available here.
Throwback: Rockhampton
Reluctantly settled by a bunch of stranded miners, Rockhampton soon became known as ‘The City of the Three S’s’ (sin, sweat and sorrow). The slogan survives to this day, except now it stands for slobs, steers and semen.
The city is also known as the ‘Beef Capital of Australia’, a reference to its plethora of fast-food outlets and morbidly obese population. Rocking ‘Rocky tuxedos’ (extra-wide jeans and XXXL flannos), Rockhampton’s blubbery bogans are celebrated by a giant sculpture of a dugong and seven Big Bull statues. Sadly, the bulls have all had steel rods rammed through their nut sacks in an effort to end the local tradition of getting blind drunk on shit beer at a leagues club and nicking a Big Bull’s balls. Rockhampton capitalises on its Beef Capital moniker by selling overpriced supermarket steaks to gullible tourists who couldn’t tell a Scotch fillet from a Scotch egg.
Shoved 40 kilometres up the Fitzroy River, Rockhampton is also known for its unbearably humid climate, giving it its third nickname, ‘Australia’s Sweaty Armpit’. In summer, the oppressive humidity combines with the dank stench of the river to create a truly revolting miasma. The city gets so hot that taking a dip in a crocodile-infested swimming hole seems like a good idea.
Even the city’s streetlights agree that the city is a horror show, clearly spelling out ‘HELL’ when viewed from atop Mount Archer. A little-known fact is that town planners were actually trying to write ‘HELP’, in a desperate plea to passing aircraft to rescue them from living in Rockhampton.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Holidays: Cook Islands
Awash with Australian and New Zealand tourists and even a couple of Cook Islanders for novelty value, the Cook Islands are Australasia’s own store-brand Hawaii. Despite the Cooks comprising fifteen major islands, you will only visit one: Rarotonga. Popular with uncultured Antipodeans looking for a family-friendly version of Bali, Rarotonga is great if you want to go on holiday to a tropical island but also bump into people you went to high school with. The only road around the island is clogged with party buses collecting shitfaced Aussies and Kiwis who have preloaded on cheap duty-free, ready to wreak havoc in the spirit of their colonial ancestors.
As well as throngs of munted tourists, the Cook Islands are also full of inbred dogs that are seemingly assembled from leftover parts of other dogs. Want to see a labrador with the legs of a Jack Russell? How about a dachshund with the head of a rottweiler? Book a flight to Rarotonga!
Entertainment in Rarotonga consists of driving clockwise around the island, a trip which takes about 40 minutes and that you will complete approximately 864 times if you stay for any length of time. If that gets a bit dull you can always mix it up and go anticlockwise, but please note that this sort of alternative lifestyle is frowned upon by conservative locals.
The tourist’s transport of choice in the Cooks is the motor scooter. Tourists have to get a scooter licence, which involves going behind the post office and riding around a couple of cones while a disinterested bureaucrat pretends to pay attention. Try not to fall off during the test or they might make you do it again.
Renting a scooter is not only a fun way to see the island, it’s also a great way to get gravel rash or catapult yourself into a banana plantation. If you do need medical treatment, make sure to stop by the hospital, which is the medical equivalent of the nurse’s office from school. If you have anything more serious than a stubbed toe, there is a good chance you will die.
From our sister site Shit Holidays.
Fan Mail: Yeppoon
And the Guinness World Record for World’s Longest Sentence goes to…
Shit Town Power Rankings
Changed up as per the mayor’s request.
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Seriously Though, Shit Town Power Rankings
Townsville, QLD — Caravan flips, rescue helicopter deployed to track stolen cars and numerous 12-to-16-year-olds charged as vehicle theft epidemic hits new peak; man injured after youths throw saw at him
Tamworth, NSW — Gronk accused of kidnapping Domino’s driver over pizza dispute
Adelaide, SA — Shirtless shopper armed with machete chases alleged robber through IGA
Hobart, TAS — Dog gets sick after eating human vomit containing cannabis
Heathcote, VIC — U-18 footy match abandoned following mass brawl involving players and spectators
Logan, QLD — Driver trolls cops with fake body hanging out of boot, gets fined $900 for various infringements
Bunbury, WA — Woman wrecks her car’s paint by coating it in concentrated cleaning chemicals stolen from car wash
Frankston, VIC — Shameless butcher’s shop burglar hangs around for 90 minutes to cook himself steak dinner
Boulder, WA — Bogan accused of breaking into prison to supply inmates with weed calls judge a fat cunt in court
Docklands, VIC — Bird shits on TV reporter during live cross
Vote: Western Australia’s Shittest Town
Click/tap on a town’s name below to vote. Voting closes and winner announced Monday 24/5. Only your first vote is recorded, so don’t fuck it up.
What is Western Australia’s Shittest Town?