Welcome to another issue of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter. This week we’re in regional Victoria to review Ararat, Ballarat’s brain-damaged little brother.
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Shit Town: Ararat
Originally a gold rush town, Ararat has reinvented itself as a thriving dumping ground for the socially unacceptable. There are three types of people there: fatties, perverts and nutjobs—although these groups are by no means mutually exclusive.
The main reason ‘Ararat’ was chosen as the town’s name is that it’s the easiest word to pronounce with a mouth full of KFC. Araratbags’ reputation as gluttonous chubsters is so renowned that the producers of The Biggest Loser wisely chose to film there in 2014. It’s no wonder the salad-dodger city is widely known as ‘Arafat’.
Ararat is also inextricably linked with wankers, diddlers and other sex pests. In a remarkable display of foresight by its founders, the town’s name can be typed using only the left hand, which is handy as people from Ararat are invariably using their right one to furiously masturbate whenever they are anywhere near a computer. ‘Analrat’ even hosts Victoria’s premier paedo prison, the Hopkins Erectional Correctional Centre.
‘Ararat’ also happens to sound like someone with a brain injury trying to say ‘Ballarat’, which is apt as it’s also famous for its mental health facilities. The city formerly hosted the Aradale Mental Hospital and J Ward, a ‘lunatic asylum for the criminally insane’. Both institutions closed in the 1990s, with their inmates released to blend seamlessly into the local community. Incredibly, Aradale was the site of a reported 13,000 deaths in its 130-year history. It is now used for ghost tours, with common reports of visitors fainting, feelings of nausea and disturbing smells, although these complaints are also common among visitors to anywhere in Ararat.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Moreton Bay, QLD — Primary school teacher jailed for wanking in front of students
Lowan Vale, SA — Farmer pleads guilty to rooting his livestock
Tennant Creek, NT — 5 feral kids rob and assault elderly man in his own home; elderly gronk charged after allegedly assaulting female cop
Alice Springs, NT — Shithole named 18th most dangerous city in the world
Granville, NSW — Disgruntled customer goes on hammer rampage at car dealership before firebombing the place
Goomeri, QLD — Dickwit gets stabbed with his own knife while trying to hijack car
Cairns, QLD — Hooligan charged after allegedly riding unregistered and uninsured motorbike through pub while drunk
Launceston, TAS — Fire service employee stood down after allegedly crashing fire truck while drunk
Ballina, NSW — Drongo allegedly climbs over airport fence in attempt to catch missed flight
Canberra, ACT — Bogan rips bong during TV coverage of Raiders game
‘True tribe’. Lolz.
One of your best descriptions to date, pissing myself with laughter, don't know the joint but you did a great read.