STOA Newsletter #173
Port Pirie: Still Shit!
Congratulations to Port Pirie on being voted South Australia’s Shittest Town for 2024! The perennial poo pit will go on to represent SA in the national finals later this year.
This is Port Pirie’s fourth state win after 2020, 2021 and 2022, and sees them pinch back the brown crown from 2023 champ Adelaide.
Here are the final standings:
Port Pirie: 19.4%
Adelaide: 17.9%
Elizabeth: 11.4%
Port Augusta: 8.9%
Snowtown: 7.6%
Davoren Park: 6.3%
Bordertown: 5.7%
Whyalla: 5.1%
Ceduna: 4.6%
Mount Gambier: 4%
Murray Bridge: 3.5%
Coober Pedy: 3%
Renmark: 1.5%
Gawler: 1.1%
Don’t miss next week’s STOA newsletter to vote for the Northern Territory’s Shittest Town! If you know any Territorians who will want in on this vote, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Port Pirie
Sitting (and shitting) on a polluted tidal river replete with lead-poisoned dolphins, the seaside smelter town of Port Pirie possesses all the charm of a soiled man-nappy. Port Pirie is home to the world’s largest lead smelter, an operation so significant that its stack is the highest structure in the state, billowing clouds of toxic fumes like a bogan Eye of Sauron. The smelter employs 10 per cent of the town’s population, making lead manufacturing the second most common job in Port Pirie after ‘unemployed’ at 11 per cent. Another 4 per cent work in animal husbandry, which in South Australia is exactly what it sounds like.
Aside from producing copious amounts of heavy metals, Port Pirie’s smelter also poisons the town’s sea, air and drinking water, resulting in a population of brain-dead lead-heads. This is one possible explanation for the Bridge to Nowhere, a road bridge that leads to a completely empty patch of land for no apparent reason. It also possibly explains Port Pirie’s problem with antisocial behaviour, from the elevated levels of racism and country music to the large lady who famously flashed her K-cups at the Google Street View car. Low-lying Port Pirie proves that you don’t need hills to have hillbillies.
Should you ever find yourself in the Chernobyl of the South, be sure to wear a full hazmat suit, avoid any and all contact with locals, and whatever you do, don’t drink the water.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Darwin, NT — Psycho only gets 10 years for raping and torturing dozens of dogs
Cairns, QLD — Gronk steals helicopter and crashes it into hotel roof
Rockhampton, QLD — Ex-greyhound trainer convicted of bestiality and casino fraud
Katherine, NT — Gronk allegedly tries to steal car with passenger inside; 2 thugs knock man out and try to run over his mate; volunteer-run tennis club burgled 4 times in a month
Alice Springs, NT — Kids aged 9, 11, 12, 14 and 14 arrested after spree of car thefts; cop breaks ankle while chasing feral kids; cop injured after police car rammed by stolen car
Port Augusta, SA — Drunk mum stabs relative with broken bottle for not sharing their grog
Canberra, ACT — Bungling arsonist sets himself on fire while trying to torch barbershop
Toowoomba, QLD — 3 feral teens aged 15-17 arrested after vandalising over 100 graves
Moonah, TAS — Teen arrested after trying to smash shop display case with bottle of booze to steal bong
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Fan Mail: Port Pirie
Some of our favourite reader comments from Port Pirie.
When people attempt to insult the intelligence of another online, and their post is full of spelling and grammatical errors. Hilarious irony.
"Another 4 per cent work in animal husbandry, which in South Australia is exactly what it sounds like." Bahahaha