STOA Newsletter #175

A Shit Town Called Alice

Congratulations to Alice Springs on being voted the Northern Territory’s Shittest Town for 2024! Alice gave the competition an absolute bashing, taking home over half the vote. Alice Springs will go on to represent the Territory in the national finals later this year.

This is Alice Springs’ second territory win after 2022. Previous winners include Darwin (2023) and Tennant Creek (2019, 2020, 2021).

Here are the final standings:

Alice Springs: 52.9%
Tennant Creek: 12.5%
Darwin: 8.9%
Katherine: 6.8%
Larrimah: 4.9%
Palmerston: 4.9%
Wadeye: 4.9%
Yuendumu: 4.2%

Don’t miss next week’s STOA newsletter to vote for Western Australia’s Shittest Town!  If you know any Sandgropers who will want in on this vote, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe

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Shit Town: Alice Springs

Australia’s geographic anus, Alice Springs is an enclave of chaos in the middle of the outback. Despite having a name more suited to a menopausal jazzercise instructor, Alice Springs is best known these days as the country’s ‘feral kid’ capital. Home to Australia’s highest number of hardened child criminals per capita, popular activities in ‘Alice’ include driving a stolen car to kindy, carjacking an ice cream truck, and stabbing your parole officer because they didn’t let you watch Bluey.

Despite a complete absence of attractions in the town itself, ‘Anus Springs’ has sprung up a tourism industry as a result of its relative proximity to Uluru (or ‘Ayers Rock’ in Racist Old White Person). The local economy is especially reliant on international visitors as they tend to have more valuable things to steal. Unfortunately for ‘Phallus Springs’, the town is so shit that the governments of several countries have advised their citizens not to go there. In fact, the only overseas town willing to become an official sister city of Alice Springs was a village in Afghanistan. Even its biological sister cities of Palm Springs and Colorado Springs refuse to publicly associate themselves with their embarrassing sibling.

From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.

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Shit Town Power Rankings

1. Melbourne, VIC — Pizza delivery man carjacked and stabbed by pair of feral women; Jetstar passenger arrested after ripping off emergency door and climbing out of plane; grub shits outside primary school in broad daylight

2. Alice Springs, NT — Pack of feral kids vandalise more than 60 cars, smash hundreds of windows and trash at least 8 businesses; pervert allegedly wanks in front of staff in art gallery and museum

3. Townsville, QLD — 11yo boy, 12yo girl, 13yo girl and 16yo boy charged over violent carjacking

4. Tweed Heads, NSW — Deadshits steal over 100 plaques from cemetery

5. Warwick, QLD — Gronk charged after allegedly dumping 695 demerits and $141,000 in fines on innocent randoms

6. Gladstone, QLD — Gronkess steals ute, only to have it stolen from her

7. Wangaratta, VIC — Drongo allegedly steals car to drive to court

8. Shepparton, VIC — P-plater charged after drink-driving to police station to report crime

9. Gold Coast, QLD — Drink-driver blocks Hungry Jack’s drive-thru for half an hour; bloke knocked out after being slapped by whale’s tail

10. Kalgoorlie, WA — Joker has bail revoked for using fake penis and someone else’s urine to try to pass piss test

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Fan Mail: Alice Springs