STOA Newsletter #18
WA's Shittest Town + Sutherland Shire
Congratulations to Kalgoorlie on being voted Western Australia’s Shittest Town for the third year running! Kal will once again represent the West in the poll for Australia’s Shittest Town later in the year. Here are the final results:
Kalgoorlie: 16%
Port Hedland: 13%
Geraldton: 9%
Bunbury: 9%
Halls Creek: 8%
Mandurah: 8%
Carnarvon: 7%
Fitzroy Crossing: 7%
Karratha: 4%
Broome: 4%
Collie: 4%
Newman: 4%
Albany: 3%
Harvey: 2%
Esperance: 2%
Scroll down to revisit our Kalgoorlie review. Also in this newsletter: a brand new write-up for Sydney’s Sutherland Shire, plus some more fan mail from Yeppoon and your weekly rankings.
Don’t miss next week’s newsletter to vote for Perth’s Shittest Suburb! If you know any Perthverts who’d want in on this vote, get them to sign up at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Sutherland Shire
Commonly called ‘The Shire’ like something out of a shit children’s book, Sutherland Shire is home to sun-cooked surfies, image-obsessed idiots, Hillsong hillbillies and other types of the worst white people. A backwards country town stuck in a big city, it’s like someone dropped Dubbo at the arse end of Botany Bay and told them to make the best of it. The only thing smaller than the mind of the average Shire resident is their steroid-atrophied gonads—considering the shrivelled raisins the average Cronullagator is working with, it’s surprising that any of them are able to sire broods of illegitimate sprogs. Sutherland Shire is also home to the Sharks, a gang of bogans so feral that even the rest of the NRL thinks they are a bit much.
The area was immortalised in the terrible television series The Shire, a pseudo-reality show about a bunch of vapid fuckwits with names like Rif-Raf, Michelka and Beckaa. Shire residents were outraged that Shire residents were portrayed accurately in the show and the mayor threatened to ban the production.
The jewel in The Shire’s crown is Cronulla, a suburb most famous for its 2005 race riots in which throngs of flag-wearing rednecks took to the streets and beaches to bash brown people. Classy ‘Cronullafornia’ is also home to a giant mural of Shannon Noll getting his nip out. Nearby Engadine is enshrined in folklore as the site of an alleged fast-food faecal fiasco by a future prime minister. Arguably as significant as ScoMo’s chocolate McFlurry was James Cook’s first landing in Australia at Kurnell in 1770, which began the long tradition of immigrants arriving in The Shire only to be told to fuck off back to where they came from.
Throwback: Kalgoorlie
Ever since the 1890s, Kalgoorlie has harboured a reputation as a notorious desert dump full of criminals and prostitutes who had been cast out of polite society, essentially making Kalgoorlie Australia’s Australia. Roving bands of delinquent youth spend their days getting wrecked on goon sacks, huffing solvents outside Kmart and getting run over by bogans in utes. This carnage was captured for posterity in the reality TV series Kalgoorlie Cops, in which pissed-up P-platers did burnouts in their dads’ HSVs and evaded the local constabulary by driving into lampposts.
The most popular tourist attraction in Kalgoorlie is ‘The Super Pit’, a massive gouge in the earth dedicated to one of Australia’s favourite pastimes: raping the earth for shiny things that can be sold to China. Aside from sitting on the precipice of a big stonking hole, Kalgoorlie’s main attraction is a tin shack called the Two-Up School, which teaches Kalgoorlites how to throw a couple of coins in the air. Due to the average intelligence of the local populace, courses last several years.
Nightlife in Kalgoorlie centres around the notorious Hay Street, home to several brothels and even a brothel museum for the more cultured Kalhooligan. The city’s classy watering holes are known for their traditional ‘skimpies nights’, where bikini-clad barmaids serve overpriced beer to male miners in jizz-stained overalls. Unfortunately for the sex-starved inhabitants of Kalgoorlie, most of these skimpies are flashing their norks in an outback backwater because they’ve been spat out the bottom of the more respectable elements of the sex industry.
‘Kalgoorlie’ originally meant ‘place of the silky pears or bush bananas’, but in a misguided rebranding attempt it is now hyphenating its name as Kalgoorlie-Boulder, like your uncle’s fourth wife. The town was to be the capital of a proposed new state called ‘Auralia’, which sounds like someone trying to say ‘Australia’ with a mouthful of bush bananas. It’s fair to say no one is mourning the missed opportunity.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Townsville, QLD — Offender crashes car fleeing scene of stabbing; man attacked with machete; gronk cuts off GPS tracker to go and steal an iPhone; pest arrested after whipping out his cock and balls at pub; Wulguru residents form ‘Poonami Army’ to protest against frequent floods of shit; car theft and burglary spree continues
Melbourne, VIC — Man hit in drive-by shooting; massive syphilis outbreak
Tamworth, NSW — Gronks allegedly shoot at cops during pursuit before crashing into golf course
Perth, WA — Hoon busted riding e-scooter at 68km/h through school zone; cafe found guilty of selling hash brownies eaten by little kids
Brisbane, QLD — Dad hospitalised after brawl at U-13 footy match
Canberra, ACT — Woman run over by hoon after confronting them for doing burnouts
Daly Waters, NT — Drunk pub customer arrested after allegedly threatening fellow patrons with chainsaw
Inverell, NSW — Bloke caught with cannabis and tobacco stuffed up his bum while at court awaiting sentencing for driving offences
Woombye, QLD — Gronk arrested after allegedly derailing and crashing Big Pineapple tourist train
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Fan Mail
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Brings tears to my eyes...!
Comments from the residents are gold..
We lived in Karratha for 16 years, I look forward to reading your review.
Keep up the great work 👍