STOA Newsletter #182
Vote for ACT's Shittest Town!
Welcome to another Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
Last week you voted Geelong as Victoria’s Shittest Town for 2024, and we’ve included our review of the shithole below. Also in this newsletter: a double-length edition of the Shit Town Power Rankings, and our poll for the ACT’s Shittest Town. We’ve pitted Canberra against a selection of its shittier suburbs and satellites, based on your suggestions on Facebook. Scroll to the end of this email to vote!
If you have mates who are keen to vote in future polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Shit Town: Geelong
Geelong is renowned for having more terrible nicknames than any other city in Australia, including ‘The Pivot’, ‘Sleepy Hollow’, ‘Gateway City’ (due to its proliferation of gateway drugs), ‘The Small Smoke’ and ‘Shit Melbourne’. It’s also known as Victoria’s ‘Number Two City’ because it’s the state’s second-largest, it’s home to the second-oldest Aussie Rules football club, and it’s a big pile of shit. The phrase ‘second place is the first loser’ was invented for Geelong.
Geelong is home to a staggering array of bogans, hicks and rednecks. It has a lively nightlife scene, if by ‘nightlife’ you mean ‘packs of pissed-up drongos rampaging down Moorabool Street’. The suburbs of Corio and Norlane are two of the world’s largest open-air bogan sanctuaries, where visitors can watch yobbos get a Southern Cross tattoo, shoplift a case of VB and spend their Centrelink on meth in their natural habitat. Geelong also features an impressive collection of lead-contaminated water fountains—the city is so bogan that even its bubblers are filled with heavy metal.
Geelong’s status as a cultural wasteland is highlighted by its best attempts at visitor attractions: a wool museum, an abandoned car factory, and an army of truly nightmarish bollard people. The city’s favourite sports team is the Geelong Cats, an AFL club that borrowed its nickname, team song and playing squad from a girls’ under-nines football team.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Melbourne, VIC — Police sergeant accused of doing Nazi salute twice in front of new recruits; 8-year-old tries to hold up supermarket with butter knife; couple rooting in stairwell dislodge sprinkler, flooding city rail loop and evacuating 2 stations
Adelaide, SA — Maniac tries to hijack bus full of tourists before assaulting cops and dog; suspected illegal tobacco store ram-raided and firebombed
Tamworth, NSW — 10-year-old bashes 5-year-old with golf club
Sydney, NSW — Taxi driver charged after allegedly stabbing passenger in the face
Mount Gambier, SA — State MP who stole $430k from kids’ charities refuses to resign
Corowa, NSW — Neo-Nazis gather to protest about their tiny little penises
Katherine, NT — Deadshits pelt ambulance with rocks after robbing servo
Port Hedland, WA — Drongo council calls for suspension of covid vaccines based on ‘DNA-altering’ bullshit
Rockhampton, QLD — Hillbillies brawl with weapons on side of road; grub shits himself while fleeing police and tries to wipe it on cops
Maryborough, QLD — Grubbette shits in cop car and smears it on window
Wagga Wagga, NSW — Gronk allegedly stabs bloke with scissors, gets shot, then swims away from cops
Toowoomba, QLD — Feral teen steals disabled kid’s bike and tries to sell it back to him on Facebook
Darwin, NT — Pack of 20 feral teens drive into city on stolen bus to steal cars
Townsville, QLD — Grub busted wanking in women’s bathroom at shopping centre; prison guard caught on CCTV wanking in front of female colleague
Cradle Mountain, TAS — Drongo rescued after trying to climb mountain in bare feet in sub-zero temperatures
Gagebrook, TAS — Buses suspended due to rock attacks, again
Mansfield, VIC — Plumber fined after locking apprentice in toolbox
Kempton, TAS — Weirdo wearing nothing but balaclava seen walking along highway
Warrnambool, VIC — Drongo lights bong while cops search his house for drugs
Port Pirie, SA — Still shit
Vote: ACT’s Shittest Town
Click/tap on a town’s name below to vote. Voting closes and winner announced Friday 25/10. Only your first vote is recorded, so don’t fuck it up.
What is the ACT’s Shittest Town?
I'd like to vote for Queanbeyan even though it's technically in NSW. It's still Canberra's most bogan suburb
Most of the ACT is shit, shitty politicians, shitty diplomats, shitty local government, shitty stinky lakes... I could rant for hours!
But at least it isn't Queanbeyan 🤣🤣