Welcome to another edition of the Shit Towns of Australia newsletter.
Last week you voted Kalgoorlie as Western Australia’s shittest town. It’s now time to zero in on the state crapital and find out Perth’s shittest suburb. We’ve narrowed down the options to a shortlist of 12 based on your suggestions on Facebook. The suburb with the most votes will represent W.A. in the poll for Australia’s Shittest Suburb later in the year. Scroll to the end of this email to vote!
Also in this issue: we revisit Casino just in time for Beef Week, and take a trip across the ditch to Wellington to celebrate the NZ-and-everyone-except-Victoria travel bubble. Plus: your weekly rankings and some fan mail from ‘The Shire’.
If you have mates who are keen to vote in future polls or stay up-to-date with all our content, get them to subscribe at this link: shittownsofaustralia.substack.com/subscribe
Throwback: Casino
The Northern Rivers shithole of Casino is called that despite the fact that the closest it gets to an actual casino is the pokies at the RSM club, making it the most misleadingly named town since Woodenbong or Bigtitti. In an ironic twist, Casino has actually been banned by the New South Wales government from acquiring any more gaming machines. The town is more accurately known for cows—Casino claims to be the country’s ‘Beef Capital’, or ‘the Rockhampton of Australia’. In fact, Casino has such a boner for beef that it is considering changing its name to Cowsino.
Casino celebrates its beef fetish in three major ways: by regularly filling the town with the fragrance of rancid offal from its local meatworks; by legally restricting all food in the town to meat pies; and by holding an annual Beef Week, which attracts bloodthirsty bogans from all over the immediate area. Casino Beef Week, which is actually twelve days long because Casinoans don’t know what a week is, features events such as the Beef Queen pageant for the most bovinesque lady, an orgy of animal abuse called a ‘rodeo’, and an orchestrated stampede of cows down the main street before a parade runs directly over all the fresh cow shit.
While in Casino, it’s highly likely that you’ll be approached by local bums begging for booze or meth money, but don’t give them any—they’ll only spend it on beef.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia, available in stores and online.
Bubble Buddy: Wellington
They say you can’t beat Wellington on a good day. Unfortunately, ‘good days’ in the New Zealand capital occur roughly once per geological epoch. Wellington is the world’s windiest city, which makes it a great choice if you like being constantly punched in the face by air as you dodge flying trampolines while you go about your day. In fact, Wellington’s terrible weather may explain why its name literally means ‘gumboot’. As if hurricane-category winds and monsoon rains weren’t enough, the city is also massively prone to landslips due to the combination of shit weather and shit planning, and has recently made a concerted effort to pinch Christchurch’s title as the country’s Quake Capital.
If not for the typically moronic decision of a panel of Australians to move New Zealand’s capital to a hilly wind tunnel on top of a fault line, Wellington would have remained a mere mirror image of Picton — a sleepy little shithole with a wharf. Instead, it’s now a cumbersome cluster of structures perched precariously on cliff faces, inhabited by different types of wanker. There are only three sorts of people in Wellington: petty politicians leeching off the public purse, boring bureaucrats shuffling paper and wrapping everything in red tape, and white guys with dodgy dreads who brew their own organic craft beer in their custom tiny houses when they’re not playing backup bongos in a 12-piece dub band — three disparate segments united only by their unfettered arrogance.
From our book Shit Towns of New Zealand, available in stores and online.
Whitcoulls Top 100
Last year, our book Shit Towns of New Zealand was voted the 60th best book of all time in a prestigious poll by NZ book chain Whitcoulls, proving that Rick Furphy and Geoff Rissole are better writers than wannabes like Stephen King, J.D. Salinger and Emily Brontë.
Voting is now open for the 2021 edition — you can help us gatecrash the list again by voting for our books Sh*t Towns of New Zealand, Sh*t Towns of New Zealand Number Two, Sh*t Moments in New Zealand Sport, or even Sh*t Towns of Australia if you’re so inclined. Can we knock that smug bastard Harry Potter off his perch? Voting closes 13/6.
Vote here!
Fan Mail: Sutherland Shire
Some of last week’s reaction to our Sutherland Shire write-up.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Townsville, QLD — 100 knives stolen from army disposals store; man arrested after wandering down busy road in undies while waving a knife; woman allegedly caught trying to take cannabis into courthouse; little kid reportedly seen jacking off in public park; men catch fire after pouring meths on campfire; mad gronk tries to bite cop’s balls off
Mildura, VIC — Pregnant drunk woman assaults cops at Hungry Jack’s; ferals brawl outside primary school; woman charged with stealing 26 BBQ chickens
Gold Coast, QLD — 7 kids arrested and one bitten on the dick by police dog after allegedly fleeing cops in stolen cars; halfwit hairdresser bans covid-vaccinated customers; drongo claims his drone was shot down by aliens
Port Pirie, SA — Smelter faces fine for leaking 700 litres of toxic acid into local waterways; still shit
Gwabegar, NSW — Bastard mice burn down family’s house
Orange, NSW — Hoon charged with drink-driving while suspended on allegedly stolen mobility scooter
Tennant Creek, NT — Bloke gets head stuck under security gate while trying to break into bottle-o
Perth, WA — Bloke rescued and fined after climbing crane and getting stuck
Launceston, TAS — Gronks steal trailer-mounted dinosaur statue
Grafton, NSW — Gronks steal 5m inflatable clown from circus
Vote: Perth’s Shittest Suburb
Click/tap on a suburb’s name below to vote. Voting closes and winner announced Monday 7/6. Only your first vote is recorded, so don’t fuck it up.
What is Perth’s Shittest Suburb?