STOA Newsletter #199
The Valley
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Shit Suburb: Fortitude Valley
Fortitude Valley is considered Brisbane’s entertainment capital but would be more accurately described as a post-coital queef reincarnated as a suburb. Jammed full of dodgy nightclubs, dive bars, pokie dens, brothels, strip clubs, sex shops and Asian takeaways, the suburb is a sleazy Shangri-la for Brisbane bogans who can’t be fucked flying to Pattaya. Ironically, despite all the happy pills, happy hours and happy endings, Fortitude Valley is actually a miserable hole.
The area’s first European settlers were Scottish immigrants who were tricked into moving there by the promise of free land and ten-dollar hand jobs. Immediately filled with regret, they named it Fortitude Valley because you need copious reserves of fortitude to live there. The suburb was such a cesspit of sin that in the 1920s the Catholic Church decided it was in dire need of a giant cathedral. However, even the Southern Hemisphere’s biggest church couldn’t stem the flow of filth in Fortitude Valley, and the project was abandoned in despair after four decades of construction. The site now houses a six-storey sex complex called Satan’s Sluts.
No one actually lives in Fortitude Valley, but each night the sordid suburb is filled with shitloads of pill-popping roid ragers in skin-tight Tapout shirts power-chundering on shop windows, running in front of cars and coward-punching each other for shits and giggles, sweaty sex pests crawling the streets while their wives and kids sleep at home, and gaggles of eighteen-year-old girls wearing almost nothing seeing how long they can dance, squeal and take pouty selfies before their drinks get spiked. By day, the streets are covered in mentally disturbed individuals screaming screeds of nonsense while sitting in puddles of their own piss.
Several attempts have been made to change the Valley’s image as a den of debauchery but have met strong resistance. In fact, the suburb is Australia’s first official ‘Special Entertainment Precinct’, meaning its nocturnal carnage is protected by the government, making it the exact opposite of Sydney.
From our book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online.
Shit Town Power Rankings
Darwin, NT — Dipshit breaks into zoo to take selfie with crocodile, lets it escape
Bairnsdale, VIC — Homeless meth head writes ‘my home’, ‘wee’ and ‘poo’ on shop walls with his own shit
Melbourne, VIC — Cops find snake in woman’s pants during arrest; animal shelter worker sentenced for trying to sell dead man’s toe on black market after it was eaten and spewed up by the man’s dog
Port Pirie, SA — Pizza shop owner fined after dumping 1000L of rubbish including his own personal details; dozens of dead birds and bats test positive for lead poisoning; paedo found living next to primary school
Brisbane, QLD — One Nation rehires convicted rapist as campaign director
Sydney, NSW — Woman hospitalised after brawl at wedding; 80s star Yahoo Serious accused of squatting in ill elderly man’s home; meth head crashes stolen car into Mt Druitt Police Station
Townsville, QLD — Gronk jailed after attacking sleeping man with metal pole; grub shits in Woolies aisle
Northam, WA — 11 hospitalised after FIFO fuckwit sprays chilli extract in Bunnings
Newcastle, NSW — Buses stop running after maniac threatens driver with machete
Lauderdale, TAS — Gronk steals roller from construction site, flattens post box and destroys beach access stairs